notebook

the sun*

2009-05-20T01:39:00.000+08:00

Runaway from school ; fear of tomorrow.I kept asking and questioning the rigid happenings , the cause as well as the impact.An ironic answer drift in.In order not to see sorrow ,you need to actually not know what is happiness from the start.It actually just struck me a few hours ago while i was trying to get a nap.

I just had a look on my tarot reading on facebook.

The Sun
This card signifies a time of clarity and power. The Sun will offer light and warmth after a dark time in your life. It is a sign of rejuvenation and growth, and shows that you are starting to flourish in your current situation. The Sun is associated with happiness, growth and good fortune. Your path has been illuminated and good fortune is on its way.

really? however the others can stay, i don't need good fortune.

i want to head to bed now.

i dont wanna do this anymore*

2009-05-15T10:48:00.002+08:00

I am having marketing module in the almost populated by year 3 class now .I was late and actually entirely for the 3 days that i came this week.It's still the same , I do not yearn for school for the whole week at all and i find myself fighting the the runaway thoughts and hating this current lifestyle a little more.I have to come up a lot of thoughts and reasonings to persuade myself to school.
Right at this moment ,my heart keeps telling me to run away and i finally realise that it's not always wise to follow your heart.Sometimes you really need to follow your brain.I just realised I am actually very good at coaxing myself to school by threatening my own weakness.And so constantly i find myself struggling to do things that i know might upset the others.

Many times i wonder about the factors that pushes people to live on with their routines. There must be a motivation behind everyone's mind.I have forgotten mine ,hold on while i search and remember.

我已经分不清..*

2009-05-13T00:52:00.004+08:00

够了。答应自己写完这一个饿一post然后在多5分钟就不要在插鼻涕了。她的影子再次的把我的眼泪逼出来。我以为我已经把她给望了，才发现那只是战时的遗忘。在facebook看见你在她的wall写的那几个字，心里却想了很多。其实在我认识你到现在，从来都不知道你跟她有长长联络。不想信..因为以前每当问起她，你总是说你们不久才会sms或偶尔在庙里才会见面。但其实你总是满着我跟她会面。被我猜穿时就会说是因为不想让我胡斯软想。其实从来都没忘记你跟我说过的那局话。我和她最大的分别是你认识她比我久..

一切也许都只是感到内疚而可怜我吧。如过可以，请不要在发简讯给我。不要再让我觉得你还在乎我。也许你真的有。但我相信从以前到现在，我做得这一切都一直只能感动你也许并没有让你根爱我。因为在你生命里，没人能象我一样的对你这么的好。习惯的也许就只是我对你的好没别的了。这一次还想亲手做个蛋糕送给你做生日礼物，还想加上一副画一起送给你。真的不懂为了什么这样做，只知道很笨但却还是一定要go ahead。因为我答应心过每一年都要让你有个难望的生日，如果可以一定要看着你开开心心过完那天。我要给你惊喜。

这一段日子..我到底应该是在哭泣或努力把感情风痹起来。真不知道，快走掉!

四点半了，有点累了。过去的两个钟头一直在努力玩Bejeweled。我想，心里这次并没有设么想打败他的分数而只是强逼自己玩。一直press new game.某些时候真的能麻痹头脑一回，但很多次都在边想边玩的哭。好好哭，眼睛很痛。

刚才在talk cock sing song的时后就应该喝多一些，也许很早以前就可以倒在床上了。

我还是望不了那些承诺..

can i be a bolster ?

2009-05-09T22:07:00.002+08:00

I met up with his mum this morning , Auntie went to meet her client at woodlands.After clinching the deal :) ,she came and picked me up downstairs my house and I brought her to Sembawang shopping centre.There were a lot of restaurants to choose from , Fish & co , New York New York ,Hei Sushi and some chinese restaurants.I wasn't sure what she wanted so i asked her to choose and she kept saying eat Wanton mee can already.Haha,then i told her we can eat wanton mee anywhere and it was going to be my treat afterall .

So while she made up her mind , I brought her around the mall .We went to Giant and she taught me quite a few things that i never knew ,like how to look out for good materials ,where they came from and the different distributors of Giant.After which we went to Daiso,one of my favourite store.She bought a few things there and she couldn't believe that the varieties of items we saw there was $2 each.Haha.She also bought a bag from Espirit before we eventually settled for Hei Sushi in the end.

I ordered a lot , and i felt really bloated.The Spicy ramen was so so spicy that she surrendered.Anyway while we were eating i noticed the tiredness in her eyes along with the deep eyebags due to the midnight oil that she had burned for a few days.That was when i knew that the bath salt gift would be a great package for her to use this time round :) at least this time i think she would use it unlike the facial foam package that i bought for her last year.It's still in the toilet and not yet used up.Auntie didn't let me pay for the bill :|

Auntie invited me over to her house becaused his second brother was going to cook a feast and although we had our very sumptous lunch ,i decided to tag along.It was very heart warming when i was in their house.It was just like the past.I was chatting and at the same time watching his brother cook .& i watched this show on the starhub channel about this baker decorating the creamy layered cakes.It was super beautiful !!

All the while i just sat there watching tv with his family, and after sometime feeling misplaced .I was waiting for a chance to leave because he didn't look like himself when he woke up for lunch and saw me .He didn't look me in the eye at all too.I felt totally invisible.I felt stupid for my presence here.If it was the him i knew , he would have came to the sofa and watched the tv after eating or half way eating through.That was when i guessed he probably thought i came over myself and he was awkward :|

A lot happen , I went to his room because i didn't want his dad and 2nd brother to think something was wrong.I explained to him and we chatted for awhile, i realised we just felt awkward.We played with bb,xx and bb :) it was nice seeing them.Once again i look through the room , everything was still in their own places.I felt the memories reshuffled. We laid on two separate mattresses while the old memory film reeled through my mind.We were quiet and at that moment i wondered what was on his mind.I knew i felt something here throughout.I still like the cuddles.

Before i finally left , the house was empty except for him who went back to sleep.I went into his parents room and placed the fifty dollar note in the bath salt package.Of course i wasn't going to let her pay for the meal,smart :)

bigger oven :)

2009-05-08T22:38:00.000+08:00

I got an MC for tomorrow,just didn't have the mood for anything.Still feels like i neeed a longer break.I am becoming so aimless that I start to hate the things i am doing now.I went to the last published grade and i really got a shock after opening it , all i see was XXXX which meant 4 absents.I could only say i wasn't mentally prepared to face the fact.Stomach's still hurting , i just remembered that i still haven't had dinner.Maybe it isn't diarrhoea but now gastric.I just realised my gastric mostly hits at night, i can have an empty stomach for the whole day but once i don't have any food to digest in my stomach,it starts calling for help.

BUT at least today i made use of my day very well with xl.I just came home after playing basketball with xl at sembawang.We played ABC shooting and hang around at the fitness corner for awhile before heading to xl's cousin house.

Xl's cousin gave me a big oven that they said have no use for and i was really happy ,~~hugged~~ carried the mighty oven back home.It was somehow like a dream come true, I just brought xl to look at ovens at COURTS earlier in the noon and now suddenly POOF* like magic, here's one :) I feel so exhausted now.My forearm feels wobbly.We walked alot today , from my house to her cousin's house to Hui jun's block ,back and forth back and forth felt like a triathon I think i am going to ache tomorrow.again/.We did the PP scope-Professional Profiling together this morning ,I am going to do about Macdonalds while she 's going to do on Kfc.At least we did a little work other then playing cooking academy and bejeweled.Haha and we finally got to eat Mcvalue lunch and i hope she likes the free coke glass which is green in color.The fries wasn't nice today :(

Super long ago since we went out with each other alone, nice we could talk about stupid things.After lunch,we took 856 to Cherryn's Yishun house where i went over to get the bath salt that i purchase for Mother's Day.Got two ,one for my mum and the other for his.I'll be meeting his mum tomorrow to pass her the gift.Felt silly but i guess i really want to do it still afterall his family is still meant something in my heart especially his parents.

After Cherryn's house i rushed home to check the letter box , super scared that the letters might have arrived but it didn't.I felt my own heart in my mouth,i knew all these would happen but i just insisted on doing so.I really deserved it if my family got the letter beforehand.Sigh.I wanna crawl under my covers before 11.30pm .

raindrops keep falling on my head.

2009-05-08T09:33:00.002+08:00

i have change the picture because it didn't bring out what i wanted to say haha

The dark clouds are here ,i smelt the familiar smell of rain just before it was about to rain down in the bus just now.This weather makes me feel awful and guilty.Guilty that i skipped school once again ,some days i felt i didn't really make use of the day to do what I had in mind.I feel bad that my family thinks i am in school when i am actually at some other place.Also at the same time i fear the upcoming UT. The worst is trying to overcome myself.

Anyway as i sat in the 856 heading to woodlands just now , i found out the best way to make use of my bus concession.I realised that i could easily change to bus 169 to school but that would mean that i would not be meeting Kin Shen and Kerman to school anymore.Xl also ,but we still haven go to school together since year 2 started.Sigh* Okay i made a promise to myself.I will not skip school anymore until necessary.

I have told xl that we would make use of this time to do PP together since next wednesday is the deadline.And Xl! i know you will be the first one to read this cause i am blogging beside you.PLEASE DON'T SKIP SCHOOL ANYMORE ^ :) okay?

...

We are still masters of our fate.
We are still captains of our souls.
Winston Churchill

*/another wednesday

2009-05-06T20:27:00.003+08:00

The day is going to be over in around 3 hours time.Sigh,I am currently at Sembawang library with Hui Shan.There's no more powerpoint circuit at Macdonalds anymore and so we had to move up to look for one.This library is so much smaller compared to woodlands one and looking for a workable plug-in is so difficult.Hui Shan's mind seems to be floating away and i have nag at her a few times to concentrate at her revision but it seems that my efforts are futile.& at the same time , i made a few glances everytime to check on her every now and then , but it seems that there's no improvement.Can't blame her , studying stinks, working stinks and it seems nothing ever smell nice now.

Anyway i got this strange feeling inside me now, must have felt too full after kfc and the mind is beginning to wander off.A part of me felt sick that i have to head to school tomorrow but i know i must go no matter what.I know just what is right to do but i just can't seem to have enough determination to do it and i know someone also feels this way.Thats you xl! Don't need to wonder its who.I wish for a break ,a faraway vacation for a month or maybe as long as i can.

I want to be more optimistic :}

Din Ding Dong*

2009-05-05T23:20:00.004+08:00

A din in the living room :| Dad and big brother is quarreling and bro is making a mess out of the storeroom because he couldn't find his army backpack.Dad says it's there , brother say it's not , and if anybody knew how my storeroom looked like they will agree that it was difficult to find almost anything let alone an army backpack that has gathered dust for almost a decade.Okay that was a super long sentence.I seldom talk about this but I hate fights and i hate it when they have to shout at one another in that manner. I quickened my pace ,pushing dinner into my mouth and at the same time thinking of what to write for the hard nut reflection journal.The background was unbearable that i had to move into my room because i got really scared and i wanted to find solace in my room.

Had a short badminton exercising with George, Hui Shan and Emily.It has been ages since i last felt sweats of perspiration dripping down my back other then those caused by the humid weather nowadays.This two hour game made my finger and wrist kind of ache during the game and i could felt the stress on my hand.I have a bad feeling for the aches tomorrow :|

Anyway i was supposed to join Kin Shen and his friends to drink at liquid kitchen but i was really lazy and xiu ling was supposed to go play badminton with me but she didn't come to school again.I hesitated before i stepped into class today , i wanted to run away for reasons.Speaking of school , i was late today for the first time for this semester.This is the third week of school.I self-declared one whole week of holiday for myself last week so there's nothing to boast about actually.I have a Personal profiling meeting with my advisor tomorrow, let's see how it goes.I shall go brush my teeth now and jump to bed.

The time is now 2:07am , i was busy writting my rj just now , didn't get to blog.

what's on my mind?

谁能依靠 ?*

2009-05-04T17:26:00.005+08:00

xl this is the second song that i wanted to introduced to you :)

Once again ,i skipped school.This is the fourth time,and it is jolly well a good time to stop.I feel really bad but i have to make sure i spent this time wisely.I can't explain why but when i woke up this morning.I felt more tired then ever,more empty as well.There's nothing i wish to do .Nothing i wish to eat like before , no where i wish to go , no one i really wish to see as well.I wanted to be me again , but i guess i just couldn't yet.Frankly ,i find it very hard to fake.Sometimes I feel that it's my responsibility to make people around me laugh.I was glad that Hui Shan had to revise for her exams and so i didn't need to speak much.I brought my sketchbook along.It has been a long time since i drew.

I am very much trapped in my own illusion.It's like a thousand doors to the outside but i seem to get too lost inside this maze.Sometimes, i think i almost make it out but I ended up walking to the wrong direction and I am really tired.I wished i could stop for awhile, i wished i didn't have to fight internally.I really really hope to go into a coma for awhile.I wish i didn't have to care about anyone like before.

I hear people around me all of the time,their advice just go round and round my head.Some just nod their head,some just don't know what to say anymore and there are still others i don't wish to talk about. Sometimes there's nothing i wish to hear anymore because i know just what to do ,just that i couldn't do it.I appreciate these people very much.

I don't want to be dead but at the same time i don't want to feel alive.Haha this is so strange.what a fool/.

kampung hut*

2009-05-03T21:56:00.003+08:00

I am back home.My eyes still sore ,and the expired contact lens have played their part too.I need to get new contacts or risk an infection.The left side of my right eye is covered by long streaks of red veins.The chalet only lasted for a night.The double deck bed was just nice enough for the 4 of us : Cheun leong,Tracy and Nick.The sun on the first day was ultimate , they were toasted badly before i arrived.Well , and so when we headed to the beach they were further scorched.It has been rather long since i heard the sea and it is peaceful.I forgot the world for awhile there.

Nick and tracy made a great joke on the first night.We played cards and drank tiger.There we go "GULP GULP GULP ".I only drank 2 cans + and i almost wanted to die.Plus thanks to Nick who continued playing the stupid Faye Wong music and acting like "Zhen Zi" to scare us and stopping me and Tracy from going to bed by pulling out the bed sheets that i re-tuck in for 6 times before i gave up and of course not forgetting throwing my mattress from my double deck frame and onto the floor! It was at the same time funny and annoying ,but i had fun except that i hit my head on the double deck ladder and i suffer a very big bump now :( i guess i lose some of the small memories from that bump.The empty feeling of sleeping on the bed alone is weird.Anyway i finally comforted myself to sleep after some time.

I am too tired to continue. i shall do it again tomorrow.Ok prepare yourself and be happy dear grace.Be very happy , like you promised yourself and you will.You will..

i will..

third day.

2009-04-30T09:05:00.005+08:00

I wanted to bring xl to sembawang park for the swings but the weather looks really threatening at the moment.This cramp empty house seems to have a shadow cast over it.I took the chance to stay home for a little more while since dad and mum left home for Johor .Great! I declared this whole week a holiday for myself.I just told myself last night that i have to go to school no matter what.But sleeping through the night , there was alot of things going on in my mind.Somehow , maybe i didn't had a wink , i jerked up every now and then and throughout the night , there was this feeling that i was and wanted to skip school.And i was giving myself a lot of other comfort like you do need a break,"you gotta go to school next week , just let yourself rest for this week ". Bejeweled on facebook is addictive. My eyes just won't go off the screen , i like the sound of the jewels but i had to off the sound because whenever the game count down from 10 ,my heart feels the flop/.

This weather somehow seems to control and expose.. my feelings.I don't like this at all.I should go pack my laptop charger meanwhile and stop thinking.It's becomming darker outside.I like the voice of Katy Perry.I have been constantly playing that song since yesterday until youtube seems to have put a stop on it because the video plays in mute.Sigh.The rain has come, and its heavenly heavy tapping on my windows,how do i leave?

no more mistakes*

2009-04-29T14:43:00.005+08:00

how the tune goes in this song along with the lyrics.I haven been through this ,and i want no second time of this.right..It won't happen.I will stay with myself.I know which direction i should go, but i have no sense of my direction.

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

wasting period*

2009-04-28T23:49:00.005+08:00

明知道mingzhidao - 俯胆床

I have many songs on my mind now ,i actually wanted to put 如果你也听说 but i have a change of mind after randomly hearing this song on my playlist.I used to like the tune of this song in the past although it's really an oldie and it wasn't suitable.To think that i can finally play the miserable lyrics which is compatible with how i am feeling now.. how strange..

I just came back from a feast at Bedok with xl and her cousin and cousin's husband , it was a treat to local dishes.Stingray ,satays,oyster omelette,ba-chor-mee and bbq chicken wings.It was yummy delicious ,but my stomach is hurting now , probably because i am too bloated or the other possible cause would be the stupid onion ! haha i shouldn't have played along and ate it along with xl.Her cousin sent us home , xl didn't get to stay at sembawang today ,what a waste! Anyway earlier on i spent my morning with Xl and samantha too at Partyworld too , the session was like Jay Chou concert.And Xl kept encoring on 我不配.

I have skipped school for the second time ,continuously for two days.This feeling rots.I really seem to still like my freedom away from school.It's like dragging one unconscious dummy to school and i always end up at the doorsteps of school before eventually leaving again.This is horrible and terrible.Gotta fight with my inner self when thursday comes again.Life's gonna be better better better.. please.One more thing to comment on is the Everlast shoes that i bought :( they are way to small and my ankle ended up blistering few days back.I am super duper in pain when i bathe now or when i move about because the blister has exploded.

Now i don't dare to wear them anymore which is also equal to waste $$$ ? Let me think of a solution to expand it a little meanwhile first,i can't and won't let it go to a waste. :( i want a rest.

Forget about the phone.If he had means to reply , he would have done it silly.
xl 也许说的对，真的要走出来。但如过真的有这么容易就好。笨。傻。笨。傻。笨。傻。

please go away !

2009-04-24T21:16:00.003+08:00

There's a bunch of rashes on my neck which Emily keeps insisting its pimples.But i have other guesses,because i still find it hard to be convinced that the pimples plant themselves not on any part of my face but at the back of my neck :? Most possibly it could be caused by my Paris icon necklace :| or the additional factor could be the stuffy scorching burning weather ! maybe.. but no matter what please don't leave any scars behind.

Argh.whatever you may be please go away soon! I will apply lots of moisturizing cream!

how to market myself? :( *

2009-04-23T23:55:00.004+08:00

this is how i feel.

Today i had Marketing module.I just found out from Wen Kwang and Yuru that i am the only one that has classmates of different courses with me and it seems that i don't fit in.aww.felt really isolated especially when the people in class today are mostly from year 3,not that we didn't talk.Just felt that i don't belong there somehow.I felt really moodless throughout the whole lesson and i was on facebook and msn during lesson time.

The worst thing that happen was that i had a talk on my school today and the talk started at 12.15pm right after Faci released us and ended at 1.30pm when 3rd meeting was at 1.45pm.The best best best thing was ,my own slides were not yet touched at all.In the end not only did i not get to have my breakfast at 1st break ,my 2nd break went Poof* too.I could feel my stomach telling me that there was too much acid in it.So much it hurts :(

Right after school i went to E1 to grab the uncle's fishballs before heading to tuition.Cancelled one of my tuition today because i was too exhausted.I am getting lazy..to .. finsih.. this ... post.. :B

Playing with Pet society ,Restaurant city and msn was my entertainment today.

Ps: Xl , you better don't keepy playing your games on fb and go to sleep soon! :D hahaha good night!

big wind go away*

2009-04-22T23:29:00.005+08:00

I was just about to blog about the reddish purple sky outside when the wind suddenly starts blowing uncontrollably. I see people hurrying opposite in their flats as well to adjust or close their windows one followed by another which confirm that i wasn't hallucinating..But somehow I have a bad feeling ,i can't explain what and why.I hope this happens just randomly.Even now typing this post ,the wind remains strong and i didn't close my windows tightly.There's this howling sound made by the wind as it brush across the gap in the window still.Uh~ i am getting pretty scared ..

Mighty wind go away ,
Come again another day~

I am turning in now, it will be a long day for me tomorrow :] Bed,grant me energy for the next day!

Ok i hear raindrops outside.It's comforting .Mighty wind went away :) BUT i just realised something, i just watered the plants just now again and now it's gonna rain -.- This happen exactly 2 days ago as well..the weather sure likes to play with me and the plants will die either because i didn't water it for sometime or because it drank too much water in a day :( don't wilt or choked dear plants or mum will give me a dressing down when she comes back.

empty stomach

2009-04-22T10:12:00.003+08:00

This is good , no school for today .I slept early yesterday and i woke up at 8.I am still feeling tired , maybe i should go back for another hour of nap.I wanted to go down to bugis to look around for some clothes but it's far and looking at my bank account it's better not too.And i have tuition in the late afternoon.Maybe i should just stay home and pack my cupboard later.This way i can retain my energy too.

And i am seriously hungry now,I will head to sun plaza with 4th bro later for Macdonalds .There's value lunch from 12-2pm .Can save money :) Big Mac or Mcspicy ? Rub stomach hungrily *

first day of year 2 :}

2009-04-20T21:12:00.003+08:00

I am finally home.Just threw the tub of clothes into the magical washing machine ,well planned i should say.I can do my reflection journal in the meantime while waiting for the machine to work wonders.Actually i am still kind of distracted by the rustling sound of plastic bag in the kitchen.My brothers must have forgotten to empty the leftovers last night some lizard must have make its way inside and got stuck.My imagination kind of went wild i guess.

It was kind of sudden.There wasn't secret recipe shop at Bishan,just another sweet secret.Ahhh..Kai Jie and I made a wasted trip there after school.We turned into Manhatten instead for a big portion of seafood platter .I would pretty much like to eat my shortcake soon :)

School wasn't that bad i guess.I made some friends..again.School starts at 9.15 now and ends at 3.45 ,sounds great right?Although the breaks are cut short but i will have more time to give tuition or carry on with other activities after school.The happiest thing is that i do not need to attend school every wednesday.The bad thing i guess its that i don't have a fixed class to go to , everyday will be a different block and class as well.

This is so random i am busy munching on strawberries now that 2nd brother bought back.chomp chomp chomp XXX

matches in water*

2009-04-20T00:02:00.004+08:00

It's another 9 hours more before i will be in a new foreign class . This feeling stinks.I have been thinking of school for the whole day.The thought of it makes me shudder and i don't know why i feel so unprepared.I cannot understand this fear.I spent almost the entire holidays trying to nurse myself.I guess it's still not enough and i really find it hard to go to school.

Kin shen just gave me a link to an online website to watch live soccer.Its Manchester United against Everton.I miss the feeling.Of watching live soccer at zq's place in the past where i always try to concentrate to memorise the names of Man U players and their jerseys.Till now there's only a few i can remember.It's funny how i let myself come to love it so i can accompany him in future and name the people like he does.The screen is forever so big but the players are always so small.I cant figure out who is who unless they zoom in to the particular player .The same thing still applies now.And i only know that its plain to be watching it here alone because the screen seems to be potraying some sad movie instead while i watch the players run across the green patch.

null*

2009-04-19T12:13:00.002+08:00

Last night was futile .I waited , fell asleep and woke up realising that it was stupid and foolish of me to wait for nothing.

Don't cry*

2009-04-18T23:56:00.001+08:00

Dont Cry - Gunsn Roses

everytime i listen to this ,i wish these are the words i hear from you..

Went down to Plaza singapura with 4th brother .Tricked him into treating me Carls Jr after i went to renew my line :D hehee while he signed up for a new phone under my name .Uh i need a new phone too :( this LG phone is faulty now and has lost its meaning i guess.Why did i ever choose a LG phone when i know the trade in price would be so much lower as compared to Nokia or Sony ericsson one from the start?

Oh yeah i met up with Shawn Loo and hanged out at town while i listened to his complains and whines.Chatted a bit,went for a bit of scouting for his nephew birthday gift.Well i suggested the Domo-kun sling bag which is so cute that i wanted so badly to get it for myself instead.Anyway I went to get my leather jacket which i left a deposit for last week :) .I seriously don't know why i need a leather jacket for.But i just like it ,that's a good enough reason i guess.

I went by a poker cards selling shop at PS just now ,sneaked a peek and wanted to see if the glow in the dark cards were available.I didn't want my brother to question about the cards so so i decided that i would do it later but i forgot to U-turn back.Maybe I shall go back again someday this week.

I am looking forward to waking up at 2am later. I wonder why and should I..

survey and work.

2009-04-17T22:55:00.004+08:00

the more i listen the nicer it gets..

I am loving my bed nowadays.I sleep in late and requires at least 9 hours of rest before i can eventually wake up. Or unless when i have an appointment for work or something .That's when i do have to force myself up.Oh yeah i just got back home ,went to do block by block survey with Emily just now.She needs money urgently now and so i rather share the job with her at least she can earn her bit here rather then do MLM.The weather is so humid nowdays ,i almost wanted an umbrella everywhere i go and the block was so stuffy that perspiration covered my face and body.

I took 2 hours to get this post done because i spent a long time talking to xl over the phone.There was always a lot to say and i realised she also has a bit of my machine gun-talking habit already .hahahaha.You know what?Some thing just charge into my brain ,that best friends dont need to meet that often to feel like one :) anyway i suddenly miss eating with xl.lol and maybe i am getting a little hungry now.. eh..!!! i haven't taken my dinner yet ! OMG!! how can i have forget , no wonder i keep thinking something's amiss. ahh :( it's too late to eat now,i feel the nudge in the stomach ..

Anyway papa and mama should be at the airport now , heading to China again.They really like scenary-watching.They will enjoy their holiday hopefully.HAHA.On the other hand, i will be juggling with tuition ,work , school ,the watering of the many pots of plants, the laundry, the sweeping and the mopping (if i have time ) for the next 6 days! :|

W I S H M E L U C K.

I have to wake up early to teach my new student tomorrow ,off to bed.

sing ,yawn,eat and yawn

2009-04-16T23:53:00.000+08:00

so relaxed ahhh..what's with the face? haha..must be the song

in the bus to thomson..

kin shen and evelyn

candid .. nice huh

Kj doesn't like to take photos, can see uh?

these are the people

I am so tired today that i keep yawning non-stop since my journey home so i shall try to keep the post short because i am still yaw-nn-ing .Had a meet up with w45m people.Sad to say only a few came , but enough to catch up :)

Johnson was supposed to join us at k box but he didn't come so ended up me , kaijie and
kinshen sang to our heart contents.We met up with the others after the singing session and headed to Thomson -> Prata house --> Eskimo.

My best 收获 today from sweet secret :

i like this photo just for how the fork is placed.

I just realised i got myself confused with secret recipe and sweet secret.They are two different shops for goodness sake.I ate this piece of cake thinking it was from secret recipe haha and that psychogical thinking did make the cake delicious but maybe it was nice after all.All cakes are yummy :) Anyway I will taste the apple strudel tomorrow for breakfast ! Good night to myself , time to lie on my memory pillow.Zzz

也許分離還沒被發明來折磨愛情 adapted from 傳說

zzz

SIGNS

2009-04-16T23:44:00.001+08:00

Kai Jie showed me this video a few minutes ago ,it's nice.If it interests you ,you can click on the play button :

说好的幸福呢*

2009-04-14T23:55:00.003+08:00

说好的幸福呢 - 周杰伦

你说你喜欢我笑得开朗
你越温柔我越不想撒谎
我已办不到你想要的那样
客气地配合你我感觉更勉强

别人的幸福何必要模仿
心不在何苦留躯壳在身旁
加满自由我要无重量飞翔
就算以分离收场

这么你一直出现在我脑海里..跟朋友在一起时可以不想..因为我知道我不会想让朋友知道或为我但心，便会放最好的面容和去面对他们。一旦离开朋友们的身边时后，难过的心情就会减减的靠进.. 又是真的很害怕，很怕孤单..

这些日子显示了我的天真。多年等待的快乐在哪里？哭，又哭。真的很傻但还不知所做。给了自己很多借口哭但多少才算足够？到底要等到几时我才能更清醒？..两个月了，我用不同的心情去过但那无奈的感觉和伤心怎么还是一然没改变..

breathe *

2009-04-13T17:35:00.004+08:00

I have been really down on my luck recently.Nothing i do seems to go smoothly.Today is another very good example.I made it to SSDC but i couldn't take my test because i didn't bring along my IC. I was fuming mad with myself but all i could do was try to kick myself inside while waiting for the others to finish.I have looked forward to today for so long and i ended up getting so pissed up with myself.And i really still am.For this time round i have to wait exactly another month ,and it's not possible to get my license before my birthday anymore.

I dont know what to say.I feel like a storm now and i wish the hurricane would bring me away now.And i really wish to be alone.

pull yourself together ,puffy eyes *

2009-04-12T23:47:00.004+08:00

Last night was a nightmare.My eyes are painfully swollen.I held to my phone and typed, cried and fell asleep and woke up once more before dawn to continue the process .And eventually i had to peel open my eyes because they hurt too much to reveal themselves.I dont know why i could still head down to Expo.Was it because i knew he was working there or was it because i wanted to really get something there? It doesn't make sense when i recalled last night's messages.Those things that I mentioned and how i am still behaving.

So along i went with George's parents ,little lincoln and Hui Jun.I bought 2 pieces of lingerie , one foamy pillow !! and one big bolster. Intially the first thing i wanted to purchase was
a bolster but the promoter gave me a special price so in the end i got the pillow at the very cheap price. Somehow now, looking at the bolster i began questioning whether there was a need for one. hmmm.. Maybe the pillow was what i needed more i guess.And maybe i could find another owner for the bolster.

After expo, we went over to eat at changi village before heading to Jun's house where i lost control of the tiles and the $10 flew away.Frankly speaking , winning is not really important to me and i just like the mahjong game itself or maybe all along i just needed something to occupy my thoughts.

Alright ..I am so excited to try on the new pillow and see whether it work dreams :) meanwhile good luck to myself for tomorrow is the test day for challenge one: BTT ! 子许成功，不许失败：） Gambette.

trips.*

2009-04-10T13:17:00.000+08:00

Indeed i spent a lot yesterday , so much i am in debt again today. Thanks xl once again for the so-many times help.

Last night was kind of great.I drank many glasses of martell.Have i ever said that when smelling the liquor itself ,it reminds me of the 蛇药酒 at home which is use for bruises. Hahaha. And despite that , i could still drink it.Before heading to KENZO,we ( tracy,lay tin, xiao yen and cl) had scissors curry rice at the same place i went with zq and his family that time.Just that now it's different.There wasn't him.I was still wondering if he would come but i knew that there's a higher percentage that he would be playing poker with his friends .I wanted to see him but on the other hand , i told myself to wake up and face it.After all , if he didn't come i could drink freely and save myself from holding back the drinks.

Anyway let's describe this pub.Level 1 had a good ambience but it appears that the upper levels were sleazy .The 3th storey was an eye opener,full of Thai's dancers and it was like i saw the human nature that i always knew.The guys up there ,they are lecherous and the thai women ,they are so good-looking and of course not forgetting sexy in their dance moves and two piece outfit.The guys pay $10 for a garland of flowers for those they think flaunt their assets best or attractive and get to touch them after performing.Of course , the women they provide extra service and i think that will be at the 2nd floor where tracy said that there are many ktv rooms.

The experience of this place or even another side of lust is so scary yet real.

fitness to go *

2009-04-08T23:20:00.003+08:00

Today has been a tiring day at store , down 3 crews + late crews = Famished stomach with no break also equivalent to Gastric :( Anyway some salesman from california fitness came to promote some package today. And despite refusing profusely ,i signed up for it reluctantly for thirty-dollars.How gullible am i ? 50% with another 50% soft heartedness.

Actually i let fate decide ,i told the salesman that if the serial number of the card he was holding had a numerical 7 in it ,i would get it.But to my actual dismay this guy actually took his chances and ran off to change it.In the end , he came back with a small rectangular portion detached .Let's check this out :

obviously there is no 7,let's not talk about this anymore.

I could head to the gym with Benson since he also signed up.

People say shopping is therapeutic.I wonder why i always feel the pinch after which hahaha and so tomorrow i am meeting Emily and George at Bugis. I got my tuition fees just now :) This time i need to get a few things back. Preferably a bag and some shoes or something catchy. Hehe and i should be heading down to Kenzo with tracy and group at night.

Note to self: please make time next month to head down to california fitness to spend the unintended $$$ spent, wisely !

spoilt day :( *

2009-04-06T23:39:00.000+08:00

initially i wanted this .

I am super t-i-r-e-d now. Work itself didn't kill me but the trip there almost did.I think i have become stupid-er by the days.Seriously , how can i board the wrong bus to work .I feel so frustrated with myself.I boarded 960 instead of 961 and ended somewhere around Tanglin.I was practically mood less .Imagine to travel anymore least to get down and figure which bus i could take.Warning myself and forcing myself not to waste money on cab fare must have been one of the most self-fulfilling thing that i have done today.

I boarded the wrong bus , boarded another bus again but upon alighting didn't know how to make my way to store.Grumbles*

Needless to say i had never been so late for Mac ,I almost wanted to skip work and sit somewhere near the train tracks and watch the railway train run.I didn't care about any warning letter at that moment when i got down the bus at King albert park with a big question mark on my head.I sat down at the bus stop.look at the junction ahead and the other possible roads.My head was tied somewhere in the maze but i carried on my way cursing myself on with my every step.stupid stupid stupido.

Today ,I just realise i need to find back my passion.I need to find back my responsible self not the me that i am now.

Mac and tuition,it has become a rountine but it will not last .Because school is back again on the 20th of april.Am i prepared?emotionally and physically? I wonder ... hahaha

zhi zu? *

2009-04-06T00:12:00.006+08:00

Zhi Zhu - Mayday

Your blog brought back a lot of memories again and the same feeling held me everytime i read it.I am still wearing your nike blue shirt which i sleep in every now and then.Like yesterday ,the sky looks quiet and the stars couldn't be seen.I have to play this song for myself every night.And it has become part of my lullaby other than the free eye drops. There's a lot on my mind but there's a limit on what i want to say here..

and i came across this again,

I really hope that one day.. I can tell everyone loudly that you are my girlfriend.. I can shower my love for you.. I can be there to protect you and care for you.. Hmm.. I will prove it that i'm worth it.. :)

I really want to assure you that i want you to be my gf.. I dont want it to be like the past when it all ended up in a mess.. I love you.. I want to be with you.. I dont need everyone to know but at least i want that to be a clear answer in our heart.. No doubts.. .. Believe me.. I will not tell you forever again.. I will show you forever.. :)

Did you really hope for that ..was i really what you wanted? or has it become a very nice phrase along with the ticking of the clock ?...

我真的发现笑着哭真的是最痛 :'( ...

[. . .]

be my greatest regret ever..

Fish and co*

2009-04-05T11:43:00.000+08:00

that is si min's hand .

the lightings only reflect on me !!

si min , me and cassandra

this is the nicest page in the magazine

this picture shows my tortured eyes,bags of eye

me and Miss ang

christopher boey

the class photo

There was class gathering today at Fish & co for dinner.I felt lazy to get myself out of the house today.Especially when it was located at Parkmall.But i still went in the end, i waited for Si min at the station and it was such an adventure .Because she was on the other side and the funny thing was i took such a long time to find the correct path over.Anyway it was good seeing the 5A people again, after we left secondary school we never seem to see each other that often.Ok let the pictures do the talking :)

Macdonalds. FRIES. glutton*

2009-04-04T23:53:00.001+08:00

It's amazingly crazy hahaha i have been eating macdonalds continuously since yesterday month.It's like i never get sick of it .I had a take away of Mcchicken meal on my way to my student house in the evening,walking, eating and of course enjoying .I love MACDONALDS fries!

It was a greedy sight but i guess it doesn't really matter !Haha and i even ask Jonathan to Ta-pao for me Fillet meal at night when he was on his way to meet Emily and me at the carpark.

Then , i had cheeseburger happy meal for lunch on my way hoem from tuition :) followed by a meet-up with tracy, cl and zq at East coast park.Chilled at 360 degrees watching wake boarders get pulled on the water by the circuits and weaving their stuns .This time my body' reaction to Heineken is much better then the other time .At least this time i can drink a bottle and a half , great improvement on Heineken.

Beer is an enemy but i still need it.

1st of april

2009-04-01T13:28:00.004+08:00

I am currently at Bugis street helping Cherryn's friend to watch the shop while Cherryn is just one shop away .I just had my lunch and i am enjoying the remaining of the packet of ice lemon tea and the music playing on the radio.. 91.3FM to be exact.This is so so relaxing.I get to see cross legged on the chair or twist my leg any way.I dont need to be at bwc supervising the shift today and i still get almost the same pay here without moving about and opening my mouth.haha :D

I like to have a lot of choices,like that.Today is one good break away.Not that i don't like working macdonalds ,but just that too much free labour tires me out.I checked the working report yesterday, for a few times last month , someone changed my timing just to save OT charges.This store is slowly draining away my passion for macdonalds.When Cl was still my boss ,i dont mind giving free labour but this Emelia isn't even appreciative .And i cant find any valid reason to help her so much.Alright i am going to serve the patron now and stop comparing.tata~

what am i doing.*

2009-03-30T23:41:00.001+08:00

I have told a lie to request for half day tomorrow just to make time to meet him.After which ,i ask myself why i had to do that and why must i.. When he was the one who told me that he will be free on sat,sun or monday but it appears that he had his last minute plans.There wasn't any better reason that makes sense,so i convinced myself that i miss him.

Trial test down! *

2009-03-26T23:49:00.000+08:00

This is one tiring day ,my entire day was spent at SSDC with Hui Jun.Both of us couldn't get up so we ended up attending 1 of the Basic theory and Advanced theory class instead of two classes for each theory.Headed over to Jun's parents workplace which was just behind the driving centre for lunch at her parents' stall.Been quite some time since i went down there. Anyway we ended up helping out at the stall because it was peak hour and there was a sudden rush of crowd.I was busy peeling the prawns for her mum while Hui Jun helped cut the lime and stuff.It was nice helping out, i felt good :) After which her mum cooked a plate of Hokkien Mee for us too :p .I don't care whether it was because i was starving ,I still wanna say it was yummy delicious :]

We made our way back to SSDC for the trial test again ,and then

Here's the good news ! Hui Jun , Emily and I passed the stupid trial test for BTT now i am waiting for the real BTT on the coming April but as a private candidate although it's a waste of money.Why do i always make the wrong choices in the first place! And no matter how many times i tell myself to be wise , it doesn't help.One word for myself " Orbi Quek" again.
Sigh* I have got to hurry to find a private instructor if not i would definitely not get my license before my birthday :(

P.S : Xl i hope you are feeling better , i read your friend's blog.I seem to see a lot of spiteful words so i reckon you must be feeling really upset .It's alright if you feel tired of repeating yourself and such , i will not intrude to ask you too :) Just to let you know you can call me anytime still,rememeber it's free :) i am only going to change my hp contract next month :)

blow whistle**

Genting trip

2009-03-25T23:20:00.002+08:00

The trip to Genting is indeed memorable.In the blink of an eye ,i am back here.Stuck in Singapore.The place itself held a rooted sweet turned bitter memory .

I remember doing some last minute rampaging and packing up until half past 2am,and after resting my eyes for what felt like minutes i woke up realising it was 4am.Joined them at Jun's house where the rest had already gather for Mahjong session the previous night.We were so excited as we left the boundaries of singapore and i believed i heaved a sigh of relief at the moment.

Here are the moments that flew by: Day 1

Emily and me :)

We booked in at First world hotel and spent hours in the hotel patting our faces with powder Headed for karaoke session and caught "race to witch mountain".Ask me about the show ,and i cant answer you totally.I have to check with Georgina for that.Haha.I felt asleep not long after the movie started while munching on the popcorn which appears to be a box of sleeping pills in disguise.Not long after i woke up , I saw Georgina's head tilting to an uncomfortable position, alike those who had their necks broken .Hahaha.It was one tiring night watching movie at 1.30am isn't that great after all.

Here comes day 2:

taken at the 24th storey..

before coming here for our breakfast ,they serve delicious 小龙包 :p

inside the theme park (double deck bus)

Hui Jun

Georgina

i like this photo ,if only the PHOTOGRAPHER had taken it straighter ! George!

I had to wear this while playing the Go-Kart with Emily but i was FORCED to take this picture.

Each of us had our own mobile jungle vehicle here , does this explains the photo ? haha

Day 3: Bye bye to Genting Highlands , off to short lands :(

We each got an airbrush tattoo

and i am back here finally , home sweet home?

不公平 *

2009-03-25T23:06:00.001+08:00

After so long, i finally got to meet up with Xiu Ling.Today i finally saw the physical Pei Jing that Xiu Ling always tell me about :) We had a singing session at Serangoon at a place called K paradise.It was near Chomp Chomp.The sound system was good and i only needed to pay $11 with two free drinks except that the Ribena that i ordered tasted like jackfruit juice.Sticks out tongue*Other than that,it was quite worthwhile although i had to rob my major savings piggy bank.

This is the first time i sang till i was contented despite being sad.I tried my very best to hold back but the tears just got the better of me. I guess Xiu Ling wouldn't forget that i didn't manage to sing this song "不公平" because the tears just took over unreluctantly.This is not at all like how i will behave ,and i have let myself down in front of others...

and this song that i have been listening to for so long has finally become completely true to its lyrics :'(

brief note *

2009-03-24T23:22:00.000+08:00

Dear all ,i am back from Genting .I've got alot of pictures to post and a lot to note down,but i will do it tomorrow instead.For now i will just leave it short.Firstly i really miss my bed somehow although i don't really wanna come back home.Secondly .i just hung up the phone with Xiu Ling around half an hour ago.I don't know if this is the correct word ,we were 束苦-ing to each other.Haha it's really nice to hear you out and thanks for listening too :)

Very sorry Petty Ling ,because i didn't think of anyone else when i was over there plus i was having some financial crisis over at the highlands. Forgive me okay ? But there's something that i actually wanted to use for myself but i wanna give it to you :) although it might be nothing special,plus it's pink color.Oopps.
Proudly presenting this whistle !!!

Don't worry i haven't use it yet.Hope this whistle can help you to blow out all the anger and frustration and sadness out of you when you feel down or otherwise very happy :) I intended to blow it loudly down my window on the 24th floor that night 2 days ago but i didn't.& If i did ,i would probably get scolded by George and all and get thrown out of the room.HAHA
So.. i will pass it to you tomorrow when i see you :) i am actually very sleepy ,my eyes keep closing.I need to head to bed now .. Good night bestie xl (:

2009-03-21T23:20:00.002+08:00

I don't know why i use the harsh tone of voice at my mum.I feel very bad for not talking nicely to my mum just because she was blabbering on and concerned about me,asking whether i pack my stuffs for tomorrow's trip yet and so on.What is wrong with me ..I can't just keep crying over love.Is there anybody that can tell me what is love and how it works and how painful hurt can be.

你真的忍心吗？

2009-03-20T23:29:00.003+08:00

Ren Xin - 卓文萱

今天更George, Hui Jun ,Hui shan 和 Emily去了Outram Park 去 audition for singing.几紧张一下，还没到我时就一直在一旁练习.到我时决怕的要死,吓的我唱不出歌来。结果就OUT了。有点失望但也满好玩得 :) Hui shan没参加，我们三个和 Emily's 表妹都拿9分好好啊真丢脸，子有Hui jun 拿11 分，12 分就能被选了。真可息哎。不要紧会有下一次，反正也不是对我很重要哈哈。

然后他们在Chinatown吃Porridge。我没味口就没吃了。我一直做弄他们，我们还拍了很多的照片。有空更Hui shan拿了才upload。

放了爱

2009-03-16T22:58:00.000+08:00

就算可以，我想我也不会想做得到 ..

scalded :"( *

2009-03-09T22:24:00.001+08:00

I scalded my hand over a pot of brewing coffee at work while checking the brewer.I have to learn to be less careless and more careful.I have never been so painfully scalded in my entire life,seems like a second degree burn.One of the worst i ever experience in my entire life,i couldn't stretch nor open up my palm at all and the pain is indescribable.Like my whole hand on fire and there isn't any burnol plus in store at all :( only after my profuse requests after like half an hour.Well,i saw the true colors of the people at work anyway.God seems to have plan it all layout,Benson asked me to train Jeff on handling service today so i didn't need to hold the safe key.And there was nothing much i could help out with only half a pair of hands.I realised the importance and why hands came in a pair.

I don't want to agitate the blister anymore.Let's go to sleep and hope for a better day tomorrow.

弃权*

2009-03-08T15:43:00.005+08:00

I have got so much in me , most of it making me stupid or else proving me silly.I reckon that nothing is going to help even if i get the words out of my chest.And especially when there is no other parties out there that would understand it.

I picked up my things from his house this morning.I don't know how i manage to convince myself that it's for the better.It's most saddening when i had to lied that i had just cleared my wardrobe when his mum ask , " 你家里没有衣服了吗"? All the memories came back as i shove through my clothes, especially when i came across my secondary school skirt.I left bb,xx and s there despite really wanting to take them back.But if i did , i know they will just participate as an unfinished reminder of you.

There's so much i wanted to tell you ,but i know there's no point since you are the one who made this choice.I cannot understand why I am crying because somebody else want to put this relationship to a halt.true to my heart,i didn't betray this relationship nor give it up but i am behaving like someone at fault.I felt like emptying the red box into the garbage , felt that i shouldn't have deserve this but each time i only ended up with my face in my hands.So what if i can't put down all of his promises ,i don't wanna make him feel worse anymore.I don't want to remind him about any of them anymore even if he had long forgotten them.It's hard when i have to fake my smile to let you know i respect your decision ~~happily~~.

& why must i still try so hard to cover my unhappiness just so you could feel better ? Don't you know that your happiness is at the expense of my happiness?

It's like being attacked by a thousand pins first at the heart and then in the eyes every night.

心淡

2009-03-07T23:17:00.000+08:00

想不起
怎么会病到不分好歹
连受苦都甜美
我每日捱著不睬不理
但却捱不死
又去痴缠你
难道终此一生都要这么
不可争一口气

很谦卑只不过是我太过爱你

连自尊都忘记

跌到极麻木只好相信

又再爬得起

就会有转机

若我不懂憎你如何离别你

亦怕不会飞

由这一分钟开始计起春风秋雨间

恨我对你以半年时间慢慢的心淡

付清账单

平静的对你热度退减

一天一点伤心过这一百数十晚

大概也够我送我来回地狱又折返人间

春天分手秋天会习惯

苦冲开了便淡
说甚么再平反
只怕被迫一起更碍眼
往后这半年间
只爱自己虽说不太习惯
毕竟有限就当过关

2009-03-07T12:32:00.000+08:00

sing along*

2009-03-07T12:30:00.006+08:00

I have go ahead with this finally.i've got 4 months left.

The thursday that just passed was indeed a very fun one.I went to enroll in the driving school at Yck with Emily,Hui Jun and her sister.The two sisters created a havoc there and i think we really disgraced ourselves. lol.After which we headed to the swimming complex for a swim which lasted only for 1/2 an hour because both the sisters complained of breathlessness.Roll eyes* So after which we hurried down to AMK to meet the others for the sing-out-loud session.It was nice we were screaming , shouting and behaving madly.Emily and Hui jun remain in the room while we roam around to took photos.Thanks for the song 不准哭 :)

love to the fullest? *

2009-03-06T01:11:00.004+08:00

It's past 1 am now.I have just reached home from k-box with the same pals:George,Emily ,Hui Jun and her sister.I sure tortured my voice box and my throat feels like it's been rubbed against sand paper.Two days of late night out .Yesterday i went over to Hui Jun's place for mahjong session and lost again.I haven't been winning at all for this whole year and my sixth sense tells me i would never win as long as it involves gambling.But i still wanna because losing the money somehow makes it okay for me because it helps block out my feelings.

I try to comfort the tears and hate that is slowly taking over by reading a few post of the blog of yours.The post on 17 February 2007.Starting from line 34 to 38.It tells a lot about words.Words that mean , lovely and all but hurts when it becomes stale.As well as the post on 10 December 2006 ,line 9 reminds me that you are back at Genting now except that this time , its with your friends.You left without a message reply which let me figured that you probably don't want to talk about anything anymore untill you come back.I know your target is the casino and most probably poker and a whole bag of money back.

Time passes ,i remembered how i managed to lie to my mum that i would be going for chalet but instead went over the borders for Genting.Sure, i would never forget the two nights we spend there with Cl ,Tracy and Jenny.The stupid things we did on the coach that we boarded,how we tried to smuggle ourselves in and how we were thrown out by the guards, how we ate ice cream with my teeth chattering in the misty icy air,how you show your gusto by walking in front of me in the haunted house ride despite feeling just as scared as i was.All theses memories that always make me smile,they only last for seconds now before my tears take over.Because i know they are just as broken as i am now...

i can't continue reading the posts anymore, it feels like a revenge of the past but i know it's not.

have i.. *

2009-03-05T13:23:00.004+08:00

ai yi zhi shan liang

我一个人的沙发上还有你拥抱的力量
起身才看见孤独的形状在空气里曝光
明明是咖啡不加糖怎么喝还是懒洋洋
你不在的天气装了开关碰到天就黑暗
我以为爱一直闪亮
现在剩一个人坚强
想念在手中张开变翅膀
我还懂不懂飞翔
我看见爱一直在闪亮
想逃的心改变了方向
只因这城市情歌太悲伤
才让一碗热汤红了眼框
明明是咖啡不加糖怎么喝还是懒洋洋
你不在的天气装了开关碰到天就黑暗
我以为爱一直闪亮
现在剩一个人坚强
想念在手中张开变翅膀
我还懂不懂飞翔
我看见爱一直在闪亮
想逃的心改变了方向
只因这城市情歌太悲伤
才让一碗热汤红了眼框
电视里爱情播不完
怎么转才能离开现场
如果我承认你让我很难忘
结局能不能换
我以为爱一直闪亮
现在剩一个人坚强
想念在手中张开变翅膀
忘记了我懂飞翔
我看见爱一直在闪亮
想逃的心改变了方向
只因这城市情歌太悲伤
才让一碗热汤红了眼框

I have lost the sparkle in my eyes.

love crumbles*

2009-03-03T23:02:00.002+08:00

Maybe i should just go collect all my stuffs and leave .I realised i was wrong ,it isn't just an endless circle not that..There is two straight equivalent lines drawn out ,stretched beyond infinity.One leads to forsake , the other to a hope for infinity.You chose to forsake.

When my feelings plunged,i realised my friends had a point somehow.Am i just dumb?The one word i have for me and him is "WHY".WHY why must he do this .. and why,why can't i be like him.

How do you want me to watch every memory we have crumble down.

look at the sky*

2009-03-02T19:10:00.001+08:00

It was already seven plus pm and i have just gotten back from work.It has been raining so recently.It feels like the weather just wants to be part of how i feel.The sun set down late today.The sky is still really bright and it certainly doesn't fit the time of the day at all.And i guess the sun really just wanted to stay for awhile more today before the moon takes over.I think i want to take a nap before dinner.

sing and exhale*

2009-03-01T23:27:00.003+08:00

Let Me Let Go - Faith Hill

I just reached home from Jurong after the singing session.Was supposed to enjoy Sentosa today but Nick didn't reply and then the plan was changed.Then Cl ,tracy ,you and me met and we were supposed to go swimming at the complex but it turned out to be another wasted trip because of bad weather.And the last place we settled down was at the KTV place.We didn't talk much ..maintained a distance from each other.The one thing i saw in my eyes were tears when you sang the songs.I ain't sure whether you meant the lyrics but it sure reminds me of the past.

It takes a lot of courage to see you and pretend i am okay.As much as i want to see you badly.. i don't know how to face you and just as much as i don't want to walk away .I am stuck so stucked.Neither way works..when i turn away,my heart is actually aching because every memory that we have keeps gushing in.It's like a mind locked with 10 locks but everyone of the locks fail upon the mention of your image or voice.I don't know what to do , i really don't know.

Every night ,you never fail to come into my mind when i am on my bed.I go to my phone's inbox and browse through the recent messages and many times i know it's not the same anymore.The fact that We're not together anymore comes in to remind me every now and then.Half a month that is.I am so used to sending you a message every night as well as wait for your reply before i can eventually put my body to rest.The days are getting harder to get by.Not only that,cutting down on the messages. I have stopped myself to message you since a few days back when there wasn't any replies back.As much as i want to send you a message to see how you are doing ,i have held myself back.

you aren't the one hurting me , it must be love.

The lights of this strange city are shinin
But they dont hold no fascination for me
I try to find the bright side, baby
But everywhere I look
Everywhere I turn
Youre all I see

Tell me how are two person gonna help each other get over each other..

range*

2009-02-28T22:46:00.004+08:00

I've taken a great deal of time sitting at the carpark with or wthout my friends.I sit at the same spot almost everyday and at least an hour.What caught my eye these few days is still the "WORK IN PROGRESS" buildings with the shiny construction lights.The block of flats beside my block are still in construction but it's almost done.The scene of the big grassland has been slowly covered by the new blocks.The place where i always wished that you would bring me there to fly kite one day.Everything seems so distant now.

My daily routine has changed..so much i think i am starting to get detached from myself .I know i have lost a part of myself and i know i can't be bothered now.Just yesterday i blew a whole pack of roy's.The day before it was other and it seems to be getting out of hand.And somehow there's nothing i want to say anymore.Work has been tiring and busy , didn't manage to go for break again.So more than thrice again , i had my breakfast + lunch + dinner at evening.I could feel an acute pain at the sides and so i had to better myself next week.

Alright i got to pack my stuffs for tomorrow.Beach pack here i come ~

if only ..

2009-02-27T02:59:00.002+08:00

Its 3am and i am still awake.Maybe the incident earlier at sun plaza about the indian guy tailing George,Emily and me is still quite disturbing to me.Thank 4th bro for coming to the rescue.I am trying to get the hang of the tv shows online and trying to waste other thoughts away.It seems that no matter how hard i try they just seem to recycle every single time when my mind is free.

My throat getting a little stiff and painful.Ain't sure whether the accidental slap on the throat by George to remove some bugs on my neck was the cause.Please i don't wanna fall sick again..

pain pain :(

2009-02-25T23:03:00.000+08:00

There's a swollen abrasion on my uppper gum.Been trying to remember when it was there.. and how i managed to get that.evit feels weird and of course not forgetting painful ,got to chew on my right side now.

I 've got so many things on my mind now.& i 'm multi tasking like crazy.I am currently on #okto channel watching some wildlife documentary.It's beautiful ..the wildlife,the animals and the pastures except for the sight of predators running after their prey and also how the animals travel miles to look for food that has become scarce.It is probably due to the changing environment,and this just reminds me that i've got to do my part to protect this earth a little more.

Oh and beside watching that , i am also watching 不老传说 and sorting out the thoughts that come crashing into my mind.The eyes are closing , beat tired.Have been working for almost the whole day.I just got my tuition pay.Sigh Celine's mum say she wanna stop the tuition for the time being first.And out of the $110 dollars , i have non left now because $70 have to be deducted tonight for the late laptop installment and $30 goes to what i owed xl.Thank God there's another $50 to be collected tomorrow.

Oh dear, i am going to brush my teeth and go to bed now.

favourite tv shows

2009-02-23T13:42:00.004+08:00

I'm currently sitting alone in Woodlands library.Met Georgina for lunch an hour back.Still waiting for my student to give me an answer on what time she'll be back home.The rain looks like a sand storm outside this window.I can help the thunder from here.Anyway i like this time alone.I came across this group in facebook "Prayers for Veteran MediaCorp actor Chew Chor Meng".Heard about what happened to him in the newspaper quite some time back.He has been diagnosed with a form of muscular atrophy, an incurable disease where a sufferer's muscles waste away.It's so unfortunate and really a pity , he was such a good actor , admired him since i was young.He somehow inspired me to have dreams of being an actor.
It must be a difficult time for him now,i believe God will take care of him :)

I saw a thread on all the shows that he had starred in , my favourite shows "双天至尊 ","不老传说 ","卫斯理传奇" and "福满人间".It's good i am watching "不老传说" now on video links that i have.Wow they have got the whole episodes ,i am so excited.Gonna spend some time watching this episodes again and try to revive some of the young memories now before tuitioning.

bullet to the gullet*

2009-02-22T01:53:00.003+08:00

George accompanied me to the doctor just now.I've got 2 days medical cert.This is the 4th time to the doc and the 5th Mc this month.This time the stomach is the problem.Emelia probably gonna think that ain't serious in work. $$$ in and more $$$$$ out.My stomach went numb because of the constant acidic solution churning in my stomach..i guess.Gastric's working up again.The cause must be yesterday.Store has alot of problems recently especially with food safety issues.Albert came down yesterday ,held urgent meeting and i ended up eating a Mcchicken burger when work ended which was at 7pm.Cannot imagine the twelve hours toil on the feet from 7am .No breaks.Stressful weeks to endure.Body's becoming weaker than ever :(

whoopie

2009-02-20T23:59:00.002+08:00

thanks santa

Back for my yearly dental checkup at Outram after taking off my braces.Uh kind of miss the texture of metal wires in my mouth.Checked my teeth out several times in front of the mirror for any visible changes.Yes, just a little more yellowish.Sigh.Anyway the dentist told me about my two hidden wisdom teeth and told me that i need a small operation to get them removed because the bottom jaw doesn't have anymore space for their existance.Mum wasn't so happy when i told her about that.

Days they passed so fast sometimes.Kin Shen accompanied me to the dentist while i accompanied him to get his earphones and stuffs at Plaza singapura.Nice deal !haha .Got somethings from Daiso as well as a wooden container for my bb,s and xx. haha anyway after which met up with Emily at the carpark.Last minute Kai Jie came down as well , then we went to slack at Hong Kong Cafe at Northpoint followed by swings and playground at 589 area near my house.It was damn fun going down the slides and behaving like monkeys.I like using my feet to feel the soft sand.That was my day.

爱太远*

2009-02-20T13:00:00.002+08:00

不懂你的心究竟躲着什么
不懂为什么要我放开手
不懂爱情为何不长久
好想对你说,说不愿就此分手
你只是默默对我摇摇头
微笑说我们永远是做朋友
永远有多远我看不见
爱在一瞬间说变就变
你曾是我的地平线
想围绕你沉浮起落日夜直到永远
永远有多远我泪眼看不见
爱在一瞬间变成冷漠的拒绝
泪水苦又咸流成汪洋一片
情人和朋友之间爱太远
一天天天转地旋喧闹的世界不停歇
一夜夜夜长梦多躲进了回忆的枷锁
风花雪月的承诺烟消云散不再有
你还在说在说在说分手以后可以永远做朋友

it's starting ..*

2009-02-19T01:40:00.003+08:00

I find myself staring into nothing and stoning again while listening to taylor swift 's love story.I am getting tired i guess.If not thinking of otherwise.I just helped 3rd brother finished the internet work.Just waiting for the link pages' pictures to work now.

Met Kin Shen earlier on for awhile before heading for tuition.Thanks for accompanying me to get the wallet as well.And then had a small chat with George after tuition.She was complaining about life and all how boring it is.How she wishes for certain things , i know how it feels , but i don't think she would understand so i just told her what i think she needs and ought to know.Other than that i stayed silent and listened simply because there's an equal amount of other things on my mind too.

I read his blog again , this time only a few entries.Nevertheless still felt it.Felt the tears ,wiped the tears and decided that i probably should stay away and stop remembering every little thing.

i realised.i love too much.it's not your fault..

talk cock sing song

2009-02-18T01:52:00.001+08:00

Just came back from Upper Thomson.Out with the party-iers : Vincent , Kelvin ,Guo Tai and his girl ,Timothy and his wife and George.Initially it was supposed to be town.Kelvin kept psycho-ing me to go and when i finally reached they told me they had a change of plan.I serioushly wanted to kill Kelvin.Which was why i ended up at Talk Cock Sing song.

The funniest part was 8 person squeezing in a 5-seater Audi A4.Of course i sat on George's lap she's the only female..while Kelvin sat on Vincent's one, Guo Tai 'gf on his lap.Then Timothy in the driver seat ,with his wife on the left seat.My stomach was empty without lunch and dinner because by the time i reached they had already eaten :( Very much didn't want to leave my house because i was really penniless couldn't even top up my ezlink.So kelvin said he would transfer although i don't really want too.It means owing money again..

Before meeting them i had a small chat with Xian Zheng.He was down ,after breaking up with Cherryn and all.And so i lent my ears while thinking about my own problems and i didn't really know how to advised him.But for one thing i knew, i definitely understood how he felt.It was absurb , i saw a part of myself in his response and such.Told him all the positive things and the different angles he should look at certain problems.That's what i always do but i get deeply beaten within at the end.I don't know whether i should have encouraged him to go on to salvage this relationship.Because the state that i am in now doesn't prove anything.But at least i think i was giving the right advice, at least he can stay clear of the misunderstandings first.

I stayed away from alchohol tonight ..not even a sip because i knew just how well i would binge non-stop.Didn't want to drink with an empty stomach and feel the vomit stuff out of my nose.Worst suffer the headaches and refresh the heartaches.Letting my family know that i 've gone drinking wouldn't be good.All and all ,but in the end i exhausted my lungs.

born to try*

2009-02-16T21:59:00.004+08:00

Born To Try - Delta Goodrem

I feel overall overworked and i 've come to realise how skinny i have became from the comments at work.I think i look really brittle now .Last night i was so afraid that i would stop breathing or something.I felt my lungs tighten themselves, felt a syringe of heart piercings and the last thing was difficulties in breathing.I hope it doesn't happen tonight anymore.Because it really scares the hell out of me.I couldn't sleep at all last night.Everytime my body goes into the sleep state ,something within me pulls me back.I ended sweating through the night and worrying.I was so scared that i would end up not waking or something but i knew i must sleep because work today will be tiring and i would need the rest.It must be the nicotine smokes.STUB.STOMPED STUB STUB.I didn't even had any yearning for fries work.The only time when i looked hard at the fries station was when i had the fries scoop and all i wanted was to make sure i packed a perfect pack of fries. Straight.Not underpacked or overpacked.I could jolly well see my collar bone.And all the coughing has caused my ribs to show as well.Eat well, appetite please come home.

I 've to keep listening to this song.Be brave.

day 1*

2009-02-15T23:43:00.004+08:00

Nothing much to say..The day feels like night and the night feels like darkness.Tutored student Zhi Ruo and Celine today.I ~~tried~~ was at my best performance today.But Zhi Ruo's remark triggered me that i probably still had a hint of sadness on my face.She's stiill young , from what i see.She asked me to smile and i asked why.. and she said "Your dimple very nice .. deep deep one,very pretty " Then i said you also have , but hers is around the mouth like those of Johnson's.Then i smiled off and said you can try pook-ing at the cheek everyday.It might come out one day and she nodded off and asked me whether i always did that.Of course i replied no..maybe i did ..Haha.But maybe i should try that.It might help create another dimple on the right.

& i realised something that i haven't being really smiling because i feel the small stretch on my mouth when i try.Headed down to Boon lay today.Looked for Tracy and Cl.. drank at the coffee shop .Nobody sees me drinking stuff like Hot Tea or Iced Tea.. but today i only felt like i wanted those.We loitered around while Tracy talks about Alvin and how sad she is most of the time.I don't know what to say..just told her that it's gonna be okay and actually i know deep down she's better off then me now at least.After Cl left , we went back to the small ktv room and sing.It's nice although we were shivering.. crying and laughing.. owed tracy alot.and thanks to tall-kie for her thirty bucks transfer :)

oh yeah.. I've got bills in my head.. and yes i just remembered the laptop installment again.shit shit SHIT :( Hitachi's gonna send me another letter. Arggh // additional 5 bucks.Sigh i am not rich!

Anyway i 've just realised how i dreaded coming home just now.I feel lazy and all.And in the bus and train ride back i began to wonder why i don't feel this way in the past when i travelled back from Pasir Ris.Boon lay feels like Johor Bahru.This feeling stinks.I thought of him again.Pasir Laba Camp is so near.Ok i need to sleep for all i know now.Got to prepare a big unlimited smile for work tomorrow.

PS: Xl thanks i just messaged you to do a favor for me.Because on the MRT tracks just now , i felt as if i wanted to stay away from the yellow line.Got so worried that i would feel giddy or some idiot might accidentally pushed me down or something.More worried of even having any other thoughts.Thanks.

another valentine*..

2009-02-14T23:44:00.003+08:00

I feel hollow now.still breathing.. slowly but soulless.I thought i had became immuned ..to crying and all the thoughts running in my head. that was what i thought..but .. nope.I think i'm still not hitting that stage yet.It's gonna be a long way.

Last night was horrible.Went liver poisoning with Tracy at Studio six.I drank tiger till i think my stomach kind of hated me.Of course the lungs got involved too.And the best part was getting drunk.. my head was spinning like i was on a carousel.and carousel rides should be a happy but not this.I felt like i was going around on a 120 KILOMETERR per HOUR carousel instead.I didn't go home yesterday.. tracy needed to go off and i made her promised she won't send me home.So off the cab went to bf's house.i vomit and vomitted throughout even when i was lying on the bed.It was awful.My phone died and there wasn't anyone i couldn't contact and i dont think i wanted to contact anyone else as well.Thanks to Tracy,he called and made bf agreed to me going over.but he didn't come fetch me because he probably didn't want to stop playing poker over at his friend's.I don't know which route the driver took , just that it made me giddier and the cab cost was $29.90.bf's mom and brother came down to look for me.And the best part was the taxi driver alighted me at the wrong block and i tried to figure the memorised image of the block. i was walking like a zombie most of the time while beer oozed out of me.

I tried to keep myself sober despite all the notorious spinning.Plucked my contacts out and goes almost dead on the bed.I didn't even change.I was lying down and still vomitting.Time was running all the way..I woke every now and then and fumbled around for bf's presence.Until i think when 5.30am came, i was awoken by the key and locks outside..

it's over today.. all my pleadings and beggings.. worst thing was to see him get stressed or frustrating and even moodless.like i am torturing him. even his tears.I decided to let go.. so go and be happy.I wanted to get you the braun buffel wallet for valentine for quite some time.. but i am really broke so gave you a simple construction helmet with initials instead.It's the last valentine gift i guess.. for the time being..i am tired.. the feeling of drunkness comes again..

please..? *

2009-02-11T22:50:00.005+08:00

The way i see the lines build up on my eyes isn't a good sign.and sigh most of the days that pass , i dont even have a clue what actually is the difference between yesterday and today for practically the whole week.I could only remember the pills i took , the visits to the doctor , many times spend alone with my thoughts at the carpark and the tears that i swiped away.I didn't ,couldn't wish for anyone to be here beside me mainly because i don't know what they could really do.And no one can really understands my point of view now.Even the one that more than half my heart has gone to. And all i wish is to be alone.But sometimes when i am alone i become scared.

I drink my cough mixture just to make sure i get drowsy and sleep through every night.My appetite's gone.. the only reason i eat is because i know i need to run my body.But sometimes i wish i wasn't thinking alot.I have been going to the carpark downstairs and to the 4th level always just to look at where bf use to stand at 2 years back ..when we talk on the phone and i'll stand at the window ..i would look down and see him there.It's funny..I can sit and stoned for hours leaning against the cold wall with my ears plugged in.I guess most of the times i was just letting the air pollute my mind.

I have run all the thoughts through my thick skull.It's not that i dont know what to do or i dont want to listen to any advice.I know what's right or what's wrong.It's just that there isn't any motivating factor to continue doing some things.

I can see my lungs calling for help.. like me..

don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all

nothing but battered*

2009-02-09T18:16:00.004+08:00

As far as i could remembered , i really have not been sleeping well..since the day i felt sick and the day fear begin to set in..last wednesday.I didn't really know the reason behind why i couldn't sleep at night.. no. maybe i knew.I really wish it was because of the bad cough or burning fever .But somehow i 've got the feeling i am waiting all along just to see that there's a reply from love.I feared that if i fell asleep.. love will slowly find his way out of the world that i have built around him and let go..But i know it doesn't mean he wouldn't leave even though i was awake.. but it just makes me feel better. at least.

If i wasn't coughing and trying to overthrow my lungs every night or tossing around in my bed every few hours battling with the hot and cold signs of my body.Otherwise i would be dazing into nothing before my eyes eventually closed themselves.The tearstained pillow is the evidence that kept me clear of reality and illusion.I wake up to every message tone..only hoping it was from love.I've never felt this frightened ,it seems 100000000 times more aghast than the worst nightmare i ever had..

every single day , it seems like the usual rountine.. and today i woke up just to realise i have not catch a wink last night and exactly for any other nights that went by.I woke up at least 4 times..the last time i woke up was 5am.. when i realised that in another 20 minutes i would have to prepare for work.I look haggard and i don't like the look that showed up in the mirror.I try to avoid the mirror most of the days unless there's a need to prep my face.

Work wasn't that good,there were so many people around that i had to face.Customers, crews and my colleagues but my sickness helped me covered up at least half of my expressions.I tried my best to be professional.My body was there but most of what i did only look functional. My mind wanders of most of the time when there was nothing to keep me busy.. I constrict my mind within a place for solace.

and we are going to solve this..i don't want to stay stationary in this cycle anymore..

i need to go lie down now..

i will be *

2009-02-08T22:03:00.006+08:00

I Will Be - Leona Lewis

After tuition i headed to baby's place with two bags of cotton that i had bought a week ago from the same location that i tuitioned my student at.If i had known earlier i would have purchased the cotton today instead.But its alright the cotton weigh like feathers.i had papa to teach me how to use his old ancient sewing machine yesterday.And i spend all night with the trials and errors as well as practice.And I got up early morning with plans of stuffing the case with cotton but i didn't have the time . Papa helped me touched up abit with the hemming so that the fabric strands wouldn't come off one by one.

I waited for baby outside his house at the staircase and did all the last minute stuffings and hand sew the rest of the gap. Wool was flying all over and i was sneezing like crazy.It was a weird place to be doing that.But YES. Finally a pillow case was done.Couldn't believe that i managed to get the hang of the machine.Gosh.Anyway it was nice i practically had to hook the threads into place before using the machine and set my feet on the pedal.hahaha.I did 3 miniature case for bb,s and xx too.

my cough is becoming worst as the day goes by.as well as this relationship..but i am really trying my best to persuade to carry on..my fever visits me a number of times everyday.. and i cant sleep well at night.. i dont know whether my bad cough is the culprit or my restless mind :( and i am starting to wish i don't recover because at least i still have you and your concern and your comfort ..i wouldn't know what will happen after that.. though even the messages are starting to turn cold and i know you dont feel good too :(

It's nice when we hold on to each other..we both know what we felt.. you aren't willing to let go and i am also reluctant so why ..why must we battle ourselves and become tattered and torn .. :'(

don't leave.. please.. :'((

it's another perfect song lyrics..

wish there's another alternative.. *

2009-02-06T22:27:00.002+08:00

an jing le -

只剩下钢琴陪我站在这里
梦想中属于我们的婚礼
却成了单人结婚进行曲
在这场爱情角力的拔河里
爱我还是爱你
你选择了自己

撒娇的可爱的
迷人的爱哭的
照片里曾经的
都是你喜欢的
如今我还在原地
你却走回你的记忆

你说我爱你太多就快要把你淹没
你害怕幸福短暂一秒就崩落
分开是一种解脱让你好好的想过
我想要的那片天空你是不是能够给我
你说我给你太多却不能给我什么
分不清激情承诺永恒或迷惑
爱情是一道伤口我们各自苦痛
沉默是我最后温柔是因为我太爱你

只剩下钢琴陪我站在这里
梦想中属于我们的婚礼
安静了在我枕边的梦里
我知道相爱原本就不容易
爱不是一场雨
努力就有结局

撒娇的可爱的
迷人的爱哭的
照片里曾经的
都是爱着你的
连假的泪还温热
却没有人握我的手

你说我爱你太多就快要把你淹没
你害怕幸福短暂一秒就崩落
分开是一种解脱让你好好的想过
我想要的那片天空你是不是能够给我
你说我给你太多却不能给我什么
分不清激情承诺永恒或迷惑
爱情是一道伤口我们各自苦痛
沉默是我最后温柔是因为我太爱你

I have been repeating this song to myself for more than a hundred times..since two days ago..It seems like the perfect song to describe the current situation.every sentence .. i have no mood to blog.. and my body doesn't really allow me to do that.My head keeps burning ,i seem to be getting sick-er .and the medicine ain't helping, especially the panadol.The fever comes back everytime i stop consumption.I can't believe I have spend a total of 80 dollars for consultation and medicine.32 dollars on wednesday and 48 dollars earlier. Thank God the doctor gave me an mc for tomorrow.I feel lousy and sick.

wish you were here..

2009-02-04T12:56:00.002+08:00

I woke up with a stiff throat :( The best thing was waking up at 6.30am when i was suppose to woke up at 5.30am.The past two days ,i have been late.On monday i took a cab because my hp 's profile auto set itself and my alarm didn't sound.Tuesday i woke up early but i had a miscalculation of bus 171 travelling time to Beauty world centre.

And today was the day i felt dreary for work.I can't be taking a cab down forever.. and for this new year ,i have been at the worst of luck.Timothy's dad still didn't paid me the tuition fees yet :(

Anyway gapbuster came on monday and we failed on farewell greetings.Emelia wants me to write an action plan and send it to her email.Sigh no matter how i think ,it couldn't have happen because Rizza and me had been emphasizing on the 10 CSO factors.

I guess i was working too hard.Rushing down for tuition after mac.. inadequate rest as well the virus going around the store was the cause.

okay i am going off to get an mc.and for tuition followed by mahjong at jun's house.

2009-02-02T23:38:00.002+08:00

I had decided to hold the post that i had just posted back as draft.i use almost a week to get everything over but one thing just leads to another.I refused to blog because more than half of me doesn't want to pose anymore reader indigestion and the remainder is purely because i don't wish to remember.I am really tired from work and especially when the water just flicks out my eyes it makes it less pleasant.

till the end .. *

2009-01-26T21:20:00.001+08:00

Till The End - Till The End

All of a sudden ,I feel scared.I feel lonely.I don't feel good .But i don't want any company. I feel as if i am straying from something.I can't describe it in words ,the heart feels..

The playlist was playing this song , and it kind of comforts me .We used to listen to this ..one day ..sitting on the rocks along the singapore river near Marina square ,that was a tough patch we went through..

i don't know what's this feeling of losing now.. i need to go down for awhile to pipe off ..

初一

2009-01-26T19:38:00.003+08:00

My relatives came over as usual ,小姑 brought her two dogs over to my place ."Baby" and "Lucky".They rummaged through my house.And "Baby" kept urinating all over the place.I could tell that mama wasn't happy.小姑 told me it was because "Baby" was getting old. like 90 human years old and his bladder was failing him :( He still looks as adorable as before and i can still remember when i first saw him when i was like 9 years old..A mixed breed ,poodle and maltese.I used to be afraid of dogs when i was younger.I would run in 小姑's house in circles because "Baby" kept chasing me.Then it was me running after him after some time ,i curb the fear of dogs thanks to that good doggie :) I would pat him on his head many times and he really likes it.He would lie on the floor like a king and enjoy the rubs on his fur with the brush.Gosh ,he's really a gem.

Anyway it's funny i have the strangest feeling upon listening to the elders' advice.Part of it sounds true.I started dating at such a young age.. and what would it bring?I know it deep down and there's no 100% to everything.And i am only putting what my heart feels and wants at the first priority ..nothing else.

2009-01-26T01:29:00.001+08:00

For the people who cares for me .I'll keep them in my heart.It's the CNY.Goodies and ang pows here i come :)

*

2009-01-25T19:49:00.004+08:00

Patience - Take That

I don't like wine.My head spins ,it should be a happy reunion dinner with family.I am trying to make use of the happy occasion to get the taste of alcohol.I forced dinner in as well as smile after seeing the message. I get the verge of the tears on the brim.There's nothing he seems to be losing or sorry about .The one person that really feels the wrath is me now.You don't need to tell me to find someone better ,don't need to tell me about not treating me better because thats not what i want to hear.

the craze starts from the heart*

2009-01-25T16:23:00.004+08:00

empty room can be so deafening,
The silence makes you wanna scream,
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame,
But it couldn't save me.

And how could we quit something we never even tried,
Well you still can't tell me why.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.
...I can't hate you anymore.

You're not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
There's only so many tears that you can cry.
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way.
And so I'm letting go of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?

I swear i gave the best of me .sing me a song for a brokenhearted because i am letting go..

shop to done*

2009-01-25T02:59:00.002+08:00

Today must have been the most feet-killing day for this whole year and it always happens during the festive season.People say shopping is a good therapy to relieve yourself.And today i finally understood why.After spending every single cent i received from tuition and filling my hands with shopping bags.Cherryn's bf was good , he offered to help us with the bag and even shopped with us for 9 hours non-stop .I can't believe i did that as well.

But i also come to realise that ,when i am home the small voices in my head starts to build up.And they are actually never gone.It's just like a temporary pill ,my friends.I don't know why it makes no difference no matter how i react or respond.The worst thing was being treated like nothing.I wished bf wasn't intentional and I really hoped he does not have any idea of what he is directing..

the shoulder is aching and the feet is telling the same thing to the shoulder.It's crazy how i managed to keep myself awake .I have being trying so hard to finish checking and sending out emails .3rd brother wants them done by this week and i have only got less than a day left.I am trying to slap myself awake , and i got alot on my mind.

it's gonna be more than a holiday

2009-01-24T01:23:00.005+08:00

If i get sick when i wake up in the morning ,it's most probably due to the lack of sleep .Not enough sleep.not enough sleep. not enough sleep!My nose started itching halfway through the Mahjong game at Hui jun's house earlier on.I rubbed like crazy and i think my nose became so piggy red.We took 4 hours to finish one round which was really draggy.I lost in the end but it's alright because i never really treat mahjong gambling as a source of income so it doesn't matter if i win anot.I just want to sweep the tiles around and hear them hit each other.It's nice :)

Anyway we have been discussing about the Malaysia trip both yesterday and today ,Georgina can repeat her excitement for so many times .It also means that i really need to make a trip down to Chinatown with her to check out the prices soon .AND i need to check when does my passport expires too .We seem to have been talking about this topic for years , and this time it sounds like real :) and oh finally!! Should we take a train ,a coach or an aeroplane ? uh

I am gonna hate the stain in the breath when i wake up.

speechless .senseless

2009-01-23T23:57:00.003+08:00

Here i am writting this , part of me wanted to stay at Joel's place.Little Erika is so cute and chubby.When i look at her , i see a child .Yes..the simplicity of a child.No worries , pure innocence and nothing else.She tells me stories of her little world .When she explains the drawings that she drew earlier on ,i couldn't make out what it was.The doodles and her explainations were vague.The imaginations from her little world of fairies and although they sound obscure ,it did make me smile :)

I was supposed to meet bf .He had a sprained ankle and so i thought we shouldn't head to town anymore although i still haven't get my clothes yet.I could do it with Cherryn tomorrow.I left Joel's house and headed to Toa Payoh interchange and searched for a bus to take to bf's house.I was dismayed when i called bf .Baby told me he was going down to temple to let niang niang have a look at his feet.I was upset when he told me i can/should do the shopping without him.Twice upset when he asked me to head back to the bbq with the hint of an irritated tone..I came to the queue almost lining up for bus 88.. for nothing :(

..I have been holding my phone close to me for the past hours but nope.. not even an apology least a message :(

I wondered if he feels sorry ..
and I wondered how many times i actually feel sad then angry.

slumber ,can i ?

2009-01-22T23:17:00.003+08:00

Only eight people turn up for class , it was peaceful.A day without the exhilarated sounds made by Johnson , Musadiq and Kin Shen when they are playing Pro Evolution Soccer (PES) They can be so jubilant.They way they shout ,curse and swear at each other like they are qualifying for a real world cup or something.Lol.

I feel like i am fatigue-fracture.A few hours of sleep that was.Clubbed with Johnson,Kai Jie , Sharifa ,Shi qi and her bf at Attica last night.Everything was supreme but I was the spoiler .The clubbers haven't even settled in and i had to leave by then. My feet was a trouble yesterday and the toes feel tortured.

Women's shoes are their worst enemy .Gosh i had to use so many adhesives today.Occassional shoes?Dainty on the outside but a surge when you slip them on. I think it would be better to call them the occassional pain.

My eyes are automatically closing and it's out of my control .My body's jerking freely in all directions and i don't wanna hold up my body fatigue level anymore.

zzzz

sunny lovely day

2009-01-21T09:48:00.002+08:00

OOhh i just wanna say the sun has been beaming brightly for these few mornings.The almost golden rays and warmth they bring my mind to the beach.It makes me think of Sentosa.It has been really long since i last went tanning.it'a gonna be next month.hehe i am so sure :)

2009-01-20T23:34:00.000+08:00

I got startled after receiving baby's message .He told me he was feeling down and useless.I don't know what happen ..moreover he suddenly promised me that he will stop smoking from today.I can hear my heart thumping through my lungs and against my ribcage.And the first thing that came into my mind wasn't what i expected it to be,it wasn't the feeling of gladness or happiness.I didn't even heave a sigh.This time it was purely made up of concerns and i am ill at ease now.I am very worried,scared and afraid . i hope he feels better after a night's sleep.I shall wait for his call tomorrow.I should go to before my thoughts run wild.

No matter what happens , i will still love you still.

ballet trips

2009-01-20T22:31:00.006+08:00

Swan lake - Tchaikovsky
The strain is on my eyes while trying to concentrate on finishing today's reflection journal.This is it "Tell me about your greatest wish and which gene(s) would you modify to achieve your dream?" I wrote about being a ballerina although i know it ain't possible anymore.Anyway it lead me to search for pictures of musical boxes with a ballerina figurine turning round .I can't seem to finish writing this is so distracting.I am having flashbacks of the days.The posture i am told to maintain,the fingers which lack a bit of feelings and how Old Miss Fown used to praise my en pointe feet and the nice arch that is created.But it was just too bad i had to stop ..i couldn't imagine if i tried to do a split now , i would probably tear my thigh muscles.One of a dream that cannot be accomplished although i always have second thoughts about it.

last enterprise

2009-01-19T23:13:00.003+08:00

It's the last day of enterprise lesson,and the slackiest lesson i ever had for this semester.Thane told us that 9.30am wasn't counted as late today so i slept in a bit more.He even treated our class pizza :) No ppt just a short discussion.And throughout the class were basically doing our own things,i was watching youtube with Kai Jie.We were screening cartoony clips ,the Qoo advertisements ,Kogepan and laughing at stupid videos.class ended before 4pm and i headed for tuition.earlier on in psp kin shen vs me in football when he thrashed me 7-0 .i was smart enough not to use Manchester united,i don't wanna throw favourite's face.Class ended before 4pm and as usual i headed for tuition.Wednesday tuition has been changed to saturday and since bf isn't free too,it matched.I do feel the toil of working when i work exceptionally hard for a reason which leads to another.

Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?

what to do*

2009-01-18T18:54:00.003+08:00

I wonder if this goat showed a reluctant face here because of his coloured horns..

who painted the goatee's horn !

candidme,kin shen and amanda

Amanda , Mus and Kin shenmy class mates

Was at little india earlier to help Thane with the event along with some of the peeps in w45m.The kids there were cute ,their small petite hands holding on to the color pencils trying to finish up the coloring.There were some really outstanding kids ,their colouring was superb :) It's tiring but worthwhile .Haven't been sleeping well for almost the whole week.Haven't being sleeping enough.Is this narcolepsy?The mind is willing but the body is weak.

Baby and i were supposed to go to town for new year shopping.Tracy and cl came over, he's currently in front of me now playing Mahjong with Tracy ,Cl and his mum .I am trying to act like i ain't bored ,and i ain't upset but i seriously am.i think could use this time to try to remember what to write in for the missing posts for the week .I think i will get used to empty words.Get used to him playing late night poker and watching him sleep.. and get the kick of forgiving and work hard at forgetting.

i cannot understand where i am doing wrong and what is wrong now.why don't i have the rights to be upset because you broke your promise time to time..

ah.this room is freezing , i think i should go take a blanket now and quench my thirst.

one bruise.

2009-01-18T00:57:00.001+08:00

Avril Lavinge - Keep Holding On.mp3 -

Went straight home after work to change before heading to town with bf .I lent fifty to bf and lied to him that i have enough to spare.Don't know why i am doing that despite knowing that it's gonna be for poker game later.I want to help as well as show my support but at the same time i don't know whether this is right or will it harm him in the future.Another was realising i missed the laptop installment again by a day.Hitachi's gonna send another letter.And the one thing i ever fear since i signed the agreement wasn't not been able to settle the bill but any documents getting into mom's hands.

There was almost silence in the car, in the cold atmosphere i felt I had got a lot to say but nothing came out throughout the ride.I wanted to tell bf about work but nothing came out.I had alot running through my mind.more to struggling to subdued my voice.

We caught Ong Bak 2 at lido along with Cl.The sound effects are violent and at the same time sort of make my head spins.

I heard his conversation with Cl and it just makes everything worst.It is sad enough to see him smoke .It is even more sad to hear him say how he locked his room and smoke secretly inside .the level of addiction now , and i wish somebody can tell me this is my imagination.Boy promised he will quit after he get his IC back but i really need him to persuade my heart to believe.It ain't going to be easy..

People suffered bruises because they knocked hard onto something , on the other hand i owned one because i tuck too hard while trying to get the bangles off my hand.I need to go to bed now,please let there be no distractions.

little trip ,treasured

2009-01-16T23:55:00.002+08:00

Baby just dropped me home.I am tuckered out.We went to Parkway just now ,the initial plan was to do some new year shopping but i didn't manage to get anything because we were too hungry especially baby and it was already getting late .A hungry man makes an angry man.Between the two choices we chose to eat first.In the end we only managed to take a short walk around that mall.

We dinnered at Jack's place./baby was nice ,he suggested Jack's place since i didn't dine there beforecand we couldn't find pizza hut.I didn't know what to order and was pretty scared of the price as well.I wanted fish & chips because it was one of the cheapest and appetite-friendly .But i settled on a well done stir loin steak which certainly doesn't suit my taste.I regretted!!The steak was tough and i had a hard time chewing and swallowing them .I even need the help of the free-freeflow water.I didn't want to waste the food and especially since it's baby's money :) , i forced myself to finish it.Oh dear this just reminds me of how hard i have to floss my teeth later ..

baby drove up the carpark down my house so that he could take a short rest.He nearly fell asleep while driving.I had to make a few glances and lots of noises every once in awhile to ensure he's awake.I watched him sleep for twenty minutes and left.I strolled my way 4 storeys down the carpark and back home alone.I get tired of shaking him up , and maybe today has been quite fatigue for him in camp .I gave up in the end ,didn't feel like forcing him to wake up .I realised Eventually the more i shook him the more dishearten i became.never mind i still love you.I can see his car from my window now , he must be still snozzing away.I wish i didn't have to go to work tomorrow.. sigh there's still the uniform to iron before i can go to bed.

I should get a shower,check whether his car is still there,wait for him to reach home safely before i go to bed. xx actually i really like it even when we lose our way on the road , it feels like he would stay a little longer by my side.

breaky fast

2009-01-16T14:07:00.000+08:00

me, sharifa and amanda at lawn

shot by johnson

by me

I was late for school because of my sleepy head followed by my indecisive choice.I slept on the pile of clothes in my wardrobe again.I tried a number of clothes and the last thing to do was not finding my leggings.I slipped on a pair os stockings which turned out pretty weird and unsecure.I was late and so i decided to attend class during second meeting instead.I text Xl for breakfast and we settled on Macdonalds for breakfast along with Samantha too.Chit chatted for awhile ,it felt good not to step into school that i actually wanted to stay there and rot instead of ppt.

brownie gone missing

2009-01-14T22:05:00.000+08:00

I thought i will do Sean Ting a favor .Brownie is missing ,must have run off when the gate was opened.That was what i thought so.I use to go to his house in the past .And i will pat Brownie 's head and maybe sometimes feed him a treat or two.Good old doggie ,brownie brownie i wonder why he ran away .Anyway if anybody saw him ,here's the details:

lost on the 10/1/2009 Saturday around 11am to 12pm when it ran out along poh huat road. He is about 1m long and 80cm tall. Please help us with the search. We will really appreciate it if you can help us. His name is called Brownie

For any information please contact 98351284 Mr. Ting.

certfied yay !

2009-01-11T23:01:00.004+08:00

-photo to be posted

hohoho.there's so many words to express my joy now ,but i think i will just stay with the simple one "HAPPY".I actually got verified by Albert today, I am finally a certifed Floor manager :) ,i must have held a record for remaining as a trainee for so long.The other time he came down was kind of last year and because i was fire-fighting a whole lot in the store.I was busy putting out fire and rendering help when i should be standing still and monitoring the situation instead of clearing the "fire" hazards.

So this time round , i refrain from doing what i shouldn't be doing.Gosh ,it wasn't easy because i spend most of the time doing the crew's work instead of my own.This time albert was watching the whole time,and i pretty well tried my best to hold the shift in my hands.Anyway it was funny when he sat down and talk with me about the shift.His hong kong accent make it a bit difficult to understand .So i tried very hard to listen and kept nodding my head.Then he went on and on..I looked at him and nodded in approval when he was actually asking me whether there was any other factors that i need to look out for.lol.it was embarrassing ..

Ah.There's work to be accomplish !I am gonna work hard and do Cheun Leong proud.I know it's gonna be tough but i have made up my mind.If i can i would want to transfer with Cl to Jurong point instead of town. i 've got alot to learn from him, and he has really being a good friend needless to say take good care of me at store.okay so shall it be :)

The constant spinning sharp pain in the head is killing.I had home in mind after work but upon seeing boy's message ,i headed to his place. He told me he wanted to bring me to ikea to eat.It has been a month or two since he said that,to be precise we failed to go there every week..He did Daniel a favor and drove his ice cream lorry back from downtown east,his 2nd bro 's girlfriend came over for dinner and i guess it wasn't appropriate to go off ourselves.And so nope , it didn't happen we didn't manage to ikea again.It becomes disappointing and this has been happening in so many different scenarios so many times..

breakfast delivery :)

2009-01-09T17:09:00.002+08:00

Communication module was great today , many fun."Anyone who spoke other languages other than english has to do a forfeit".And so i was one of them too haha , i sang Nan Ren Nu Ren with Kin Shen .Because i sabotaged him in the first place.The funniest one was the dance Musadiq did with Aaron , named Dhoom again.lol.

Oh yeah ,I kept to my plan this morning.I board the bus over to bf's place to deliver the breakfast :) My initial plan was to get the bread from the bakery at west plaza, but it seems that i reached a little too early.The shop wasn't even open.

and so i walked to find the nearest coffee shop to get steam buns.and just as i was walking back , i heard the bread shop's shutters rolled up.good timing ..so i got a baguette for his papa .I gave a call to bf and pretended to talk very loudly so he could hear echos. Then popped out at his gate. It was a nice surprise :) he was kind of shocked and he gave me a big hug .'he look tired though because he played poker till 4am.wish he could

After passing him the buns .we hurried down..His dad put me down at the Ikea bus stop and sent him to Ubi driving centre .And all the 168 that went by were packed like sardines.I waited for 2 packed-full buses and i couldn'tboard the bus at all. That was when bf's dad drove pass the bus stop .Thank God bf's dad came to the rescue :) and this is the first time i reached school so early :8.30am

I neeed to leave home soon ,gonna be at Leonard's birthday celebration at Changi chalet now ..

headrack

2009-01-08T23:40:00.002+08:00

LoVe yOu sO - natalie
I still haven't got enough rest, have been sleeping late for practically everyday this week.This is not the way and tonight's gonna be the change.

problem of the day almost crushed my brain-tubes.I have got the sickest head in the body.ache aches rush rush.I went over to Northpoint after tuition to look for a gift for bf's mum birthday which is today.Her wallet has been spoilt for quite some time .I call it a good opportunity.Replacing a new one for her with a valid reason this way she wouldn't scold me :) that's a bit of money off my bank now but it's alrighto.

This is so last minute.I have got something on my mind now and i am waking up tomorrow at five thirty sharp to buy breakfast for baby tomorrow.99% sure am.Tomorrow is the only possible day.Coming Saturday is bf's last day of biking lesson which also means he will be back to the normal rountine of book in on sunday and book out on fridays.grumbles.It's too late to be shopping for the ingredients at this hour least homemade breakfast but it would definitely be a surprise :)

absence makes the heart fonder .absence makes the heart fonder.absence makes the heart fonder .NO.absence makes the heart fonding :)

2009-01-07T09:53:00.001+08:00

This is so random but i still want to note it down.I recalled on a do-be done list this January.To sign up for driving lesson at driving school.

haha poor brother

2009-01-06T22:34:00.000+08:00

Something humorous happened to my big brother.I can't stop laughing now .When he called me earlier on to buy him porridge on my way home, i thought it was a minor bite like everybody else does.And i just had a look at where his wound was , it was directly in the middle of the tongue and it was a really deep cut !!

He told me how he was bleeding all the way and went to the doctor which referred him to A&E ,that when the doctor said he might need a stitch he was scared stiff.But luckily not.

My first reaction was "Oh my god ".. what the hell did he do.I couldn't get over it because i keep stretching my tongue to the exact spot and thats when you actually feel a strain and how can someone actually talk with a stretched out tongue? It wasn't a spot to be easily bitten on accidentally especially when eating.And when he told me he was eating chicken rice and talking ..I burst out laughing and at the same time wincing while imagining it.Anyway i could see that the flesh is curling back into each other a process of healing.

I can't get through with the thought of how people actually split their tongue into two,threes or five willingly. And in which way does looking like a snake-like creature looks good ? eeeyucks.

trip down to kelantan lane

2009-01-06T20:43:00.001+08:00

click click click

Science today was killer bee .I don't have a clue of what was going on and my body wasn't cooperating much as well.I couldn't get off the sleep mode ,the air-con has been chilly and i just kept on yawning and yawning .So throughout the day my mind switch on and off both just thinking awbout my comfy bed.Ks and me took photos at cameroid.com lol. & One of the photos up there should have Shi qi and Annabelle but Miss science faci came by so everyone pretended and went off when the timer tick off 1 .Resulting in only me and Kin Shen left in the photo and that explains the photos on top.

/

I went ahead to Kelantan lane for AFA( Action for Aids ) today along with Kin Shen and Musadiq.After doing so i felt like i have accomplished a part of a longing although the project haven even start yet.I almost thought it was going to be null because i signed up during last november and many previous organisations don't call back.And so when AFA got back to me two days ago,oh dear i felt so ebullient :) i was lucky to not have postpone it away and since i can't make it on saturday i made my way today.

and so We took a bus to little india station , which was pretty long .. and a walk there .. which was ultimately far !! On the way we crap all along ,ks and musadiq can't stop bickering over racist jokes can't stand them.LOL.When we reached the destinatination , the he-she turned out to be the person who called me.It was a weird combination but ..who cares anyway hahaha.I think i feel accomplished today.Wheets* :)

SSC

2009-01-05T23:58:00.002+08:00

Bf was supposed to meet Yeow today but he didn't need to in the end ,so i asked him whether he wanted to come over to my place.My brothers wants to know whether he wants any of the long sleeves business wear shirt because there's 2 full plastic bags that they cleared out from their wardrobes.but he only chose one white sleeve shirt.One of those that bf tried on made me laugh so much , when he slipped his hands through the sleeves and after which couldn't put his hands down because it was too tight and it didn't fit his shoulder.lol :D

Anyway he got off with one in the end.Bf got the frightened anxiety look when he prepared to step into the house and when leave the house. i really like that silly face (: On the way down saw dad coming our way.He was panic stricken when i nudged him at the arm .HAHA i cannot understand but he look irresistible and he really makes me laugh.

So in the end i managed to convince him to come down :) baby's brother took the car so he when i saw that message i was quite prepared that he wasn't going to come down without the car.The very next message actually states whether he could come down on wednesday instead.My heart just sank a little because i was used to these happenings./but amazingly despite of that he actually came down in the end ,but i know he probably came because he was afraid i would be upset again.

We took 856 to Sembawang shopping centre (SSC).It has been really long since he took a bus with me and he did mentioned it.At least i know he felt something there.On the way ..he told me about his loss in poker which had been the worst of all times.I began to wonder if it was because i did not wish him good luck sincerely because i haven't being really happy .& so i promised i will switch on my aura for him .This time sincerely.. (:

I like today.Although his dad was the one who sent him down here and fetched him home,I think i am more then satisfied ..indeed well spent.love him like cocktails.SSC was nice ,big and spacious with many many shops .I saw a few tops and bottoms at Espirit and it has got my hand itching.Bf bought a long sleeve checkered top which i thought was really nice :)

We headed to the carpark after purchasing some drinks at the 7 eleven down my house.We changed location again because it was too windy and i was shivering.It's a secret.

My emotions are so tuned to your actions .. i can't forget all these..

loves.

last semester for year 1

2009-01-05T14:09:00.004+08:00

Current state :sleepy

new start for another 3 weeks before the long vacation comes again ..whooh uu thats what i am looking forward to again.The holidays come and go so fast.I was clueless about enterprise at the start of the lesson and Thani was good.No need to present.Just videos and presentation slides.Thats why monday is good for enterprise at least it makes the monday blues abit greener.

chinatown walk around

2009-01-04T23:25:00.001+08:00

Chinatown is a great place to be at this afternoon ,went to this wet market with bf and family where i had a short flashback of the past. Fourteen back then,I found a salesman job on the newspaper and emily tagged along.We were pulling selling wallets and belts across this plaza even borrowing the newspaper stand uncle 's table to display the stuffs.How did i ever get there.Haha ,Anyway the job was a failure i don't do good at being a good ~~sales~~ con man,i guess.

Alright ,back to what i was doing there.Grocery for the necessities for the night's steamboat stuffs.Earlier this morning i headed down with bf and his family to the temple where they did some prayers while i just sat on the chair quietly and ate the Tapioca chips that one of the temple staff offered me while constantly swinging my legs like a kid.haha.

The night turned out good , fell asleep waking up to dinner and ate a a lot.Steamboat's good , i like to see the ingredients bubbling and the warmth of closeness at his place.Afterwhich bf's dad send me home.

pop out one by one

2009-01-03T23:57:00.000+08:00

ulcers hurt.one each on both sides.maybe threee.I even bit on one so accidentally and now that the flesh is protruding out,my teeth keeps biting on the same spot.ouch.too much chips and junk food and i really mean daily.

I reached early for work and ended almost on time too,this has got to be a good start off.After which i when to the china boy 's house and knocked on his door ,told me he forgot about it and wants it tomorrow morning instead.sigh

I didn't manage to really sleep well last night ,felt myself shivering and feeling uneasy at the same time.Hot and cold externally, a fever i guess.I keep waking up to check whether there were any replies from bf but nope.

the same routine about coming down , to meet me happened again , but i figured out about how his heart really feels about doing that when he doesn't really want too./he feels obliged ,thats all .A heart not at all in wanting.just obliged so i told him not to come anymore,and he just says sorry and he will meet me tomorrow.And i wonder again about that ,because aren't i the one going down to his place to meet him ? hahaha , love is so ... humorous.

dear mom..

2009-01-02T23:18:00.001+08:00

/it seems the new year ain't going any better.I couldn't stand the nagging voice which turned irritating.I can tolerate for a year or two but it really angst me when she keeps repeating something that is alarming to me.

Mom is forever unhappy with me .I cannot understand the logic she believes in .And also simply how i always look like the black sheep because she says so.When all the guys in my family don't stay out till late..it doesn't mean i shoudn't too .. just because i am a girl ?I can't believe she said i threw her face and what others said meant so much to her .How is it that when I hanged out late that people out there will start gossiping.And i really knew where she got all her accusations and stereotypings from and it really upsets me.

Because to me ,you don't look at a friend who isn't much educated to determine whether she's an influence especially when you mention a bad one.Don't rack up the past of truancy in school and say that i have turn rotten ever ever ever since and also especially the one event that happened during primary school when i skipped swimming lesson to go ice skating.

And when i work , i don't stretch my hands to get a penny from you.Even when i was younger ,when everyone would get money from their parents to catch a movie or for leisure spending on weekends ,or even .. extra money to spend for the week, i don't.But all that ever came in to your head was that this is obligation .

One more thing is compiling work and recreation together.Both seems like me enjoying outside.I can stay at home and hog the computers like my brothers alright if it means staying put at home, i don't need to work like a bull outside.I pay my own bills ,and all that makes up my wardrobe is almost entirely the money i earned.But i simply need a breather out of this house because my room looks nothing like privacy.And the house seems nothing but a commando camp at times and i am the only one asked to do so.I can bear this when i am younger but i can't stand that the silbings are always better off relaxing and i am always the one ordered around.

I have never shrugged my shoulders this way before and i don't know what is this i am feeling now..totally screwed..i should stop typing , i don't want to mention this anymore :(

hiccups and stirrings*

2009-01-01T15:57:00.005+08:00

Do I Make You Proud - Taylor Hicks

I am feeling like shit now.gridare.I can't believe that i did that on the first day of a brand new year.It's not right.I have got alot inside me now which appears to be time bombs.They are going off one by one.It's alright when you do not bring me along but my behaviour and words just helps me lower my esteem.I got my pride too and it isn't always right but it's alive.It isn't always gonna be something alike kneeling on the ground begging.and i really swear it's not going to happen again,i am not gonna put myself in your shoes anymore.It's not helping just stinking myself ,my eyes.

I guess i am old enough to think and acting like a kid is only a temporary way to ease life and get on the better side.It's like another dimension that i opened named "happiness" .There's alot of things that i know but i just wanna pretend like i know nothing.Sometimes even wishing they will be really secrets that will never be discovered under mountains.What i thought time to time, there'a alot more to just my empty gingo shell that i have displayed.And when i do laugh off and pretend its okay ,it really isn't sometimes genuine.and the one person that i wished at least knew what to do,doesn't but makes it worst.F

I guess i am looking into too much perfection in a person.
eat rocks.Maybe i've started to compare to someone not in existence at all.

RESOLUTION
- be soft hearted no more
- be less initiative
- be firm
- love myself above anyone else

I am thinking of that park to clear my head.i have twenty bucks left now ,and after i leave home that would be ten left.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same ,did i ever make you proud?