Look at my heart again
Look at the mess I've got it in
I'm trying to trust in You
To know that you'll see me through
Through my pride
Through my shame
Into Your love
Into Your grace
I'm not looking back
Till I see Your face
And I'm running straight to You
Because
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
To break this division
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
Erase it and bring us together again
My life's like an open book
Nothing is hidden when you look
You break through my boundaries
Revealing my insecurities
But through my pride
And through my shame
You show me love
You show me grace
I'm not looking back
Till I see your face
And I'm running straight to you
Because
Here I am saying I need you
I know I need you
Here I am, I'm coming to meet you
Cause I want to see you
♠my taste of sunshine
A pair of spectacles
Manchester United jersey
Catch a ballet performance
Pointe shoes
Adidas Kenya Jacket
Singapore flyer
Superstar Virgo trip
Open a savings bank account
Powershot e1 !!
Runaway from school ; fear of tomorrow.I kept asking and questioning the rigid happenings , the cause as well as the impact.An ironic answer drift in.In order not to see sorrow ,you need to actually not know what is happiness from the start.It actually just struck me a few hours ago while i was trying to get a nap.
I just had a look on my tarot reading on facebook.
The Sun This card signifies a time of clarity and power. The Sun will offer light and warmth after a dark time in your life. It is a sign of rejuvenation and growth, and shows that you are starting to flourish in your current situation. The Sun is associated with happiness, growth and good fortune. Your path has been illuminated and good fortune is on its way.
really? however the others can stay, i don't need good fortune.
i want to head to bed now.
15 May, 2009
i dont wanna do this anymore* / 10:48 AM
I am having marketing module in the almost populated by year 3 class now .I was late and actually entirely for the 3 days that i came this week.It's still the same , I do not yearn for school for the whole week at all and i find myself fighting the the runaway thoughts and hating this current lifestyle a little more.I have to come up a lot of thoughts and reasonings to persuade myself to school. Right at this moment ,my heart keeps telling me to run away and i finally realise that it's not always wise to follow your heart.Sometimes you really need to follow your brain.I just realised I am actually very good at coaxing myself to school by threatening my own weakness.And so constantly i find myself struggling to do things that i know might upset the others.
Many times i wonder about the factors that pushes people to live on with their routines. There must be a motivation behind everyone's mind.I have forgotten mine ,hold on while i search and remember.
四点半了， 有点累了。过去的两个钟头一直在努力玩Bejeweled。我想，心里这次并没有设么想打败他的分数而只是强逼自己玩。一直press new game.某些时候真的能麻痹头脑一回，但很多次都在边想边玩的哭。好好哭，眼睛很痛。
刚才在talk cock sing song的时后就应该喝多一些，也许很早以前就可以倒在床上了。
我还是望不了那些承诺..
09 May, 2009
can i be a bolster ? / 10:07 PM
I met up with his mum this morning , Auntie went to meet her client at woodlands.After clinching the deal :) ,she came and picked me up downstairs my house and I brought her to Sembawang shopping centre.There were a lot of restaurants to choose from , Fish & co , New York New York ,Hei Sushi and some chinese restaurants.I wasn't sure what she wanted so i asked her to choose and she kept saying eat Wanton mee can already.Haha,then i told her we can eat wanton mee anywhere and it was going to be my treat afterall .
So while she made up her mind , I brought her around the mall .We went to Giant and she taught me quite a few things that i never knew ,like how to look out for good materials ,where they came from and the different distributors of Giant.After which we went to Daiso,one of my favourite store.She bought a few things there and she couldn't believe that the varieties of items we saw there was $2 each.Haha.She also bought a bag from Espirit before we eventually settled for Hei Sushi in the end.
I ordered a lot , and i felt really bloated.The Spicy ramen was so so spicy that she surrendered.Anyway while we were eating i noticed the tiredness in her eyes along with the deep eyebags due to the midnight oil that she had burned for a few days.That was when i knew that the bath salt gift would be a great package for her to use this time round :) at least this time i think she would use it unlike the facial foam package that i bought for her last year.It's still in the toilet and not yet used up.Auntie didn't let me pay for the bill :|
Auntie invited me over to her house becaused his second brother was going to cook a feast and although we had our very sumptous lunch ,i decided to tag along.It was very heart warming when i was in their house.It was just like the past.I was chatting and at the same time watching his brother cook .& i watched this show on the starhub channel about this baker decorating the creamy layered cakes.It was super beautiful !!
All the while i just sat there watching tv with his family, and after sometime feeling misplaced .I was waiting for a chance to leave because he didn't look like himself when he woke up for lunch and saw me .He didn't look me in the eye at all too.I felt totally invisible.I felt stupid for my presence here.If it was the him i knew , he would have came to the sofa and watched the tv after eating or half way eating through.That was when i guessed he probably thought i came over myself and he was awkward :|
A lot happen , I went to his room because i didn't want his dad and 2nd brother to think something was wrong.I explained to him and we chatted for awhile, i realised we just felt awkward.We played with bb,xx and bb :) it was nice seeing them.Once again i look through the room , everything was still in their own places.I felt the memories reshuffled. We laid on two separate mattresses while the old memory film reeled through my mind.We were quiet and at that moment i wondered what was on his mind.I knew i felt something here throughout.I still like the cuddles.
Before i finally left , the house was empty except for him who went back to sleep.I went into his parents room and placed the fifty dollar note in the bath salt package.Of course i wasn't going to let her pay for the meal,smart :)
08 May, 2009
bigger oven :) / 10:38 PM
I got an MC for tomorrow,just didn't have the mood for anything.Still feels like i neeed a longer break.I am becoming so aimless that I start to hate the things i am doing now.I went to the last published grade and i really got a shock after opening it , all i see was XXXX which meant 4 absents.I could only say i wasn't mentally prepared to face the fact.Stomach's still hurting , i just remembered that i still haven't had dinner.Maybe it isn't diarrhoea but now gastric.I just realised my gastric mostly hits at night, i can have an empty stomach for the whole day but once i don't have any food to digest in my stomach,it starts calling for help.
BUT at least today i made use of my day very well with xl.I just came home after playing basketball with xl at sembawang.We played ABC shooting and hang around at the fitness corner for awhile before heading to xl's cousin house.
Xl's cousin gave me a big oven that they said have no use for and i was really happy ,hugged carried the mighty oven back home.It was somehow like a dream come true, I just brought xl to look at ovens at COURTS earlier in the noon and now suddenly POOF* like magic, here's one :) I feel so exhausted now.My forearm feels wobbly.We walked alot today , from my house to her cousin's house to Hui jun's block ,back and forth back and forth felt like a triathon I think i am going to ache tomorrow.again/.We did the PP scope-Professional Profiling together this morning ,I am going to do about Macdonalds while she 's going to do on Kfc.At least we did a little work other then playing cooking academy and bejeweled.Haha and we finally got to eat Mcvalue lunch and i hope she likes the free coke glass which is green in color.The fries wasn't nice today :(
Super long ago since we went out with each other alone, nice we could talk about stupid things.After lunch,we took 856 to Cherryn's Yishun house where i went over to get the bath salt that i purchase for Mother's Day.Got two ,one for my mum and the other for his.I'll be meeting his mum tomorrow to pass her the gift.Felt silly but i guess i really want to do it still afterall his family is still meant something in my heart especially his parents.
After Cherryn's house i rushed home to check the letter box , super scared that the letters might have arrived but it didn't.I felt my own heart in my mouth,i knew all these would happen but i just insisted on doing so.I really deserved it if my family got the letter beforehand.Sigh.I wanna crawl under my covers before 11.30pm .
raindrops keep falling on my head. / 9:33 AM
i have change the picture because it didn't bring out what i wanted to say haha
The dark clouds are here ,i smelt the familiar smell of rain just before it was about to rain down in the bus just now.This weather makes me feel awful and guilty.Guilty that i skipped school once again ,some days i felt i didn't really make use of the day to do what I had in mind.I feel bad that my family thinks i am in school when i am actually at some other place.Also at the same time i fear the upcoming UT. The worst is trying to overcome myself.
Anyway as i sat in the 856 heading to woodlands just now , i found out the best way to make use of my bus concession.I realised that i could easily change to bus 169 to school but that would mean that i would not be meeting Kin Shen and Kerman to school anymore.Xl also ,but we still haven go to school together since year 2 started.Sigh* Okay i made a promise to myself.I will not skip school anymore until necessary.
I have told xl that we would make use of this time to do PP together since next wednesday is the deadline.And Xl! i know you will be the first one to read this cause i am blogging beside you.PLEASE DON'T SKIP SCHOOL ANYMORE ^ :) okay?
...
We are still masters of our fate. We are still captains of our souls. Winston Churchill
06 May, 2009
*/another wednesday / 8:27 PM
The day is going to be over in around 3 hours time.Sigh,I am currently at Sembawang library with Hui Shan.There's no more powerpoint circuit at Macdonalds anymore and so we had to move up to look for one.This library is so much smaller compared to woodlands one and looking for a workable plug-in is so difficult.Hui Shan's mind seems to be floating away and i have nag at her a few times to concentrate at her revision but it seems that my efforts are futile.& at the same time , i made a few glances everytime to check on her every now and then , but it seems that there's no improvement.Can't blame her , studying stinks, working stinks and it seems nothing ever smell nice now.
Anyway i got this strange feeling inside me now, must have felt too full after kfc and the mind is beginning to wander off.A part of me felt sick that i have to head to school tomorrow but i know i must go no matter what.I know just what is right to do but i just can't seem to have enough determination to do it and i know someone also feels this way.Thats you xl! Don't need to wonder its who.I wish for a break ,a faraway vacation for a month or maybe as long as i can.
I want to be more optimistic :}
05 May, 2009
Din Ding Dong* / 11:20 PM
A din in the living room :| Dad and big brother is quarreling and bro is making a mess out of the storeroom because he couldn't find his army backpack.Dad says it's there , brother say it's not , and if anybody knew how my storeroom looked like they will agree that it was difficult to find almost anything let alone an army backpack that has gathered dust for almost a decade.Okay that was a super long sentence.I seldom talk about this but I hate fights and i hate it when they have to shout at one another in that manner. I quickened my pace ,pushing dinner into my mouth and at the same time thinking of what to write for the hard nut reflection journal.The background was unbearable that i had to move into my room because i got really scared and i wanted to find solace in my room.
Had a short badminton exercising with George, Hui Shan and Emily.It has been ages since i last felt sweats of perspiration dripping down my back other then those caused by the humid weather nowadays.This two hour game made my finger and wrist kind of ache during the game and i could felt the stress on my hand.I have a bad feeling for the aches tomorrow :|
Anyway i was supposed to join Kin Shen and his friends to drink at liquid kitchen but i was really lazy and xiu ling was supposed to go play badminton with me but she didn't come to school again.I hesitated before i stepped into class today , i wanted to run away for reasons.Speaking of school , i was late today for the first time for this semester.This is the third week of school.I self-declared one whole week of holiday for myself last week so there's nothing to boast about actually.I have a Personal profiling meeting with my advisor tomorrow, let's see how it goes.I shall go brush my teeth now and jump to bed.
The time is now 2:07am , i was busy writting my rj just now , didn't get to blog. what's on my mind?
Partial Scripts disclosed:
Finally eighteen although i do not look my age .I am a miniature machine gun.can be real noisy and high at times.more to outdoors.
I am currently studying in Republic Poly and don't ask me why i ended up here.but afterall i have meet some great and fun friends here :) at times i look at my horoscope and decide on how i should spend my day.I may view situations in complex thinking and a thousand possible outcomes. I feel short but i don't mind people disturbing me as long as it makes them happy haha.but still of course i still want to grow taller if you have any elixir please recommend to me .
Yeah one thing i dislike it when people take unnecessary plastic bags , please save the world and yourself by taking less of these and especially wooden chopsticks!!I like to observe people,just to study their behaviour to predict their next move :) but i am not psychotic !I just wish i could take up psychology I am beginning to see this world to the best of my ability. I am really trying to look at the bright side.
I truly like ballet,and somehow i always wish i could dance again but i know i can't afford to do that.
I like reading novels , so far the best must have been "The notebook ,Dear John and Where rainbows end" particularly from Nicholas Sparks and Cecelia Ahern. for your information i really like eating cakes, those with heavy toppings of cream yum yum :p it has been rather long since i had them really often.
I can really laugh over the slightest thing when my laugh-o-meter goes extremely high .No need to describe how I am a really clumsy person and i trip over the weirdest things..
there's alot of things which i wish i could do , i wanna go up and float around on the hot air balloon and fly somewhere far for awhile
Runaway from school ; fear of tomorrow.I kept asking and questioning the rigid happenings , the cause as well as the impact.An ironic answer drift in.In order not to see sorrow ,you need to actually not know what is happiness from the start.It actually just struck me a few hours ago while i was trying to get a nap.
I just had a look on my tarot reading on facebook.
The Sun This card signifies a time of clarity and power. The Sun will offer light and warmth after a dark time in your life. It is a sign of rejuvenation and growth, and shows that you are starting to flourish in your current situation. The Sun is associated with happiness, growth and good fortune. Your path has been illuminated and good fortune is on its way.
really? however the others can stay, i don't need good fortune.
i want to head to bed now.
15 May, 2009
i dont wanna do this anymore* / 10:48 AM
I am having marketing module in the almost populated by year 3 class now .I was late and actually entirely for the 3 days that i came this week.It's still the same , I do not yearn for school for the whole week at all and i find myself fighting the the runaway thoughts and hating this current lifestyle a little more.I have to come up a lot of thoughts and reasonings to persuade myself to school. Right at this moment ,my heart keeps telling me to run away and i finally realise that it's not always wise to follow your heart.Sometimes you really need to follow your brain.I just realised I am actually very good at coaxing myself to school by threatening my own weakness.And so constantly i find myself struggling to do things that i know might upset the others.
Many times i wonder about the factors that pushes people to live on with their routines. There must be a motivation behind everyone's mind.I have forgotten mine ,hold on while i search and remember.
四点半了， 有点累了。过去的两个钟头一直在努力玩Bejeweled。我想，心里这次并没有设么想打败他的分数而只是强逼自己玩。一直press new game.某些时候真的能麻痹头脑一回，但很多次都在边想边玩的哭。好好哭，眼睛很痛。
刚才在talk cock sing song的时后就应该喝多一些，也许很早以前就可以倒在床上了。
我还是望不了那些承诺..
09 May, 2009
can i be a bolster ? / 10:07 PM
I met up with his mum this morning , Auntie went to meet her client at woodlands.After clinching the deal :) ,she came and picked me up downstairs my house and I brought her to Sembawang shopping centre.There were a lot of restaurants to choose from , Fish & co , New York New York ,Hei Sushi and some chinese restaurants.I wasn't sure what she wanted so i asked her to choose and she kept saying eat Wanton mee can already.Haha,then i told her we can eat wanton mee anywhere and it was going to be my treat afterall .
So while she made up her mind , I brought her around the mall .We went to Giant and she taught me quite a few things that i never knew ,like how to look out for good materials ,where they came from and the different distributors of Giant.After which we went to Daiso,one of my favourite store.She bought a few things there and she couldn't believe that the varieties of items we saw there was $2 each.Haha.She also bought a bag from Espirit before we eventually settled for Hei Sushi in the end.
I ordered a lot , and i felt really bloated.The Spicy ramen was so so spicy that she surrendered.Anyway while we were eating i noticed the tiredness in her eyes along with the deep eyebags due to the midnight oil that she had burned for a few days.That was when i knew that the bath salt gift would be a great package for her to use this time round :) at least this time i think she would use it unlike the facial foam package that i bought for her last year.It's still in the toilet and not yet used up.Auntie didn't let me pay for the bill :|
Auntie invited me over to her house becaused his second brother was going to cook a feast and although we had our very sumptous lunch ,i decided to tag along.It was very heart warming when i was in their house.It was just like the past.I was chatting and at the same time watching his brother cook .& i watched this show on the starhub channel about this baker decorating the creamy layered cakes.It was super beautiful !!
All the while i just sat there watching tv with his family, and after sometime feeling misplaced .I was waiting for a chance to leave because he didn't look like himself when he woke up for lunch and saw me .He didn't look me in the eye at all too.I felt totally invisible.I felt stupid for my presence here.If it was the him i knew , he would have came to the sofa and watched the tv after eating or half way eating through.That was when i guessed he probably thought i came over myself and he was awkward :|
A lot happen , I went to his room because i didn't want his dad and 2nd brother to think something was wrong.I explained to him and we chatted for awhile, i realised we just felt awkward.We played with bb,xx and bb :) it was nice seeing them.Once again i look through the room , everything was still in their own places.I felt the memories reshuffled. We laid on two separate mattresses while the old memory film reeled through my mind.We were quiet and at that moment i wondered what was on his mind.I knew i felt something here throughout.I still like the cuddles.
Before i finally left , the house was empty except for him who went back to sleep.I went into his parents room and placed the fifty dollar note in the bath salt package.Of course i wasn't going to let her pay for the meal,smart :)
08 May, 2009
bigger oven :) / 10:38 PM
I got an MC for tomorrow,just didn't have the mood for anything.Still feels like i neeed a longer break.I am becoming so aimless that I start to hate the things i am doing now.I went to the last published grade and i really got a shock after opening it , all i see was XXXX which meant 4 absents.I could only say i wasn't mentally prepared to face the fact.Stomach's still hurting , i just remembered that i still haven't had dinner.Maybe it isn't diarrhoea but now gastric.I just realised my gastric mostly hits at night, i can have an empty stomach for the whole day but once i don't have any food to digest in my stomach,it starts calling for help.
BUT at least today i made use of my day very well with xl.I just came home after playing basketball with xl at sembawang.We played ABC shooting and hang around at the fitness corner for awhile before heading to xl's cousin house.
Xl's cousin gave me a big oven that they said have no use for and i was really happy ,hugged carried the mighty oven back home.It was somehow like a dream come true, I just brought xl to look at ovens at COURTS earlier in the noon and now suddenly POOF* like magic, here's one :) I feel so exhausted now.My forearm feels wobbly.We walked alot today , from my house to her cousin's house to Hui jun's block ,back and forth back and forth felt like a triathon I think i am going to ache tomorrow.again/.We did the PP scope-Professional Profiling together this morning ,I am going to do about Macdonalds while she 's going to do on Kfc.At least we did a little work other then playing cooking academy and bejeweled.Haha and we finally got to eat Mcvalue lunch and i hope she likes the free coke glass which is green in color.The fries wasn't nice today :(
Super long ago since we went out with each other alone, nice we could talk about stupid things.After lunch,we took 856 to Cherryn's Yishun house where i went over to get the bath salt that i purchase for Mother's Day.Got two ,one for my mum and the other for his.I'll be meeting his mum tomorrow to pass her the gift.Felt silly but i guess i really want to do it still afterall his family is still meant something in my heart especially his parents.
After Cherryn's house i rushed home to check the letter box , super scared that the letters might have arrived but it didn't.I felt my own heart in my mouth,i knew all these would happen but i just insisted on doing so.I really deserved it if my family got the letter beforehand.Sigh.I wanna crawl under my covers before 11.30pm .
raindrops keep falling on my head. / 9:33 AM
i have change the picture because it didn't bring out what i wanted to say haha
The dark clouds are here ,i smelt the familiar smell of rain just before it was about to rain down in the bus just now.This weather makes me feel awful and guilty.Guilty that i skipped school once again ,some days i felt i didn't really make use of the day to do what I had in mind.I feel bad that my family thinks i am in school when i am actually at some other place.Also at the same time i fear the upcoming UT. The worst is trying to overcome myself.
Anyway as i sat in the 856 heading to woodlands just now , i found out the best way to make use of my bus concession.I realised that i could easily change to bus 169 to school but that would mean that i would not be meeting Kin Shen and Kerman to school anymore.Xl also ,but we still haven go to school together since year 2 started.Sigh* Okay i made a promise to myself.I will not skip school anymore until necessary.
I have told xl that we would make use of this time to do PP together since next wednesday is the deadline.And Xl! i know you will be the first one to read this cause i am blogging beside you.PLEASE DON'T SKIP SCHOOL ANYMORE ^ :) okay?
...
We are still masters of our fate. We are still captains of our souls. Winston Churchill
06 May, 2009
*/another wednesday / 8:27 PM
The day is going to be over in around 3 hours time.Sigh,I am currently at Sembawang library with Hui Shan.There's no more powerpoint circuit at Macdonalds anymore and so we had to move up to look for one.This library is so much smaller compared to woodlands one and looking for a workable plug-in is so difficult.Hui Shan's mind seems to be floating away and i have nag at her a few times to concentrate at her revision but it seems that my efforts are futile.& at the same time , i made a few glances everytime to check on her every now and then , but it seems that there's no improvement.Can't blame her , studying stinks, working stinks and it seems nothing ever smell nice now.
Anyway i got this strange feeling inside me now, must have felt too full after kfc and the mind is beginning to wander off.A part of me felt sick that i have to head to school tomorrow but i know i must go no matter what.I know just what is right to do but i just can't seem to have enough determination to do it and i know someone also feels this way.Thats you xl! Don't need to wonder its who.I wish for a break ,a faraway vacation for a month or maybe as long as i can.
I want to be more optimistic :}
05 May, 2009
Din Ding Dong* / 11:20 PM
A din in the living room :| Dad and big brother is quarreling and bro is making a mess out of the storeroom because he couldn't find his army backpack.Dad says it's there , brother say it's not , and if anybody knew how my storeroom looked like they will agree that it was difficult to find almost anything let alone an army backpack that has gathered dust for almost a decade.Okay that was a super long sentence.I seldom talk about this but I hate fights and i hate it when they have to shout at one another in that manner. I quickened my pace ,pushing dinner into my mouth and at the same time thinking of what to write for the hard nut reflection journal.The background was unbearable that i had to move into my room because i got really scared and i wanted to find solace in my room.
Had a short badminton exercising with George, Hui Shan and Emily.It has been ages since i last felt sweats of perspiration dripping down my back other then those caused by the humid weather nowadays.This two hour game made my finger and wrist kind of ache during the game and i could felt the stress on my hand.I have a bad feeling for the aches tomorrow :|
Anyway i was supposed to join Kin Shen and his friends to drink at liquid kitchen but i was really lazy and xiu ling was supposed to go play badminton with me but she didn't come to school again.I hesitated before i stepped into class today , i wanted to run away for reasons.Speaking of school , i was late today for the first time for this semester.This is the third week of school.I self-declared one whole week of holiday for myself last week so there's nothing to boast about actually.I have a Personal profiling meeting with my advisor tomorrow, let's see how it goes.I shall go brush my teeth now and jump to bed.
The time is now 2:07am , i was busy writting my rj just now , didn't get to blog. what's on my mind?
This card signifies a time of clarity and power. The Sun will offer light and warmth after a dark time in your life. It is a sign of rejuvenation and growth, and shows that you are starting to flourish in your current situation. The Sun is associated with happiness, growth and good fortune. Your path has been illuminated and good fortune is on its way.
